Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Grace
It's been a bit.
It's like I've had some sort of block.
There is so much to say, I just don't know where to start.
Well it's July. The 20th. It's been 81 days. It shouldn't hurt anymore should it.
I don't know if it's still meant to hurt. Every little thing triggers a memory, a feeling, everything I see is something that you will never get to see or experience. And I guess that it's just still really unfair. It's just not fair. None of this is fair.
I guess knowing the truth just makes it all sink in.
Acute alcohol intoxication and poisoning. Pulmonary congestion. Oedema of the lungs. Terminal aspiration. Visceral and Cerebral congestion.
I don't think I wanted to know. It makes it so much more fresh.
I wake up every morning and I have the same thought when I look at the roof. What if. What if What if What if What if What if What if What if.
THe what if's are stupid. They are what is tearing me apart inside. They are the pain. Because if every single what if was true he would be alive.
It's not hard to save somebody.
He wasn't at the point of no return. He was at the point of return. with help.
But no one wanted to help him.
What sort of person sees a dying boy and doesn't want to help him.
What sort of person wants to hide a dying boy.
What sort of person wants to kill them.
It was at the front gates.
I was waiting for him to drop something off.
But it never came.
He came but the parcel was so much worse.
It's not easily forgotten. How you're told. And it haunts me every night.
No matter how hard I try to let it go. It comes back. It keeps on coming back. I tell it to go away. I tell it to leave me alone. But the more you try to forget a memory the more it pesters. The more it wants to stay.
I'm leaving it all inside myself. No one can see how much I'm burnt. To my core. No one is allowed to see it. I don't want anyone to ever feel this hurt. It's not fair and no matter how much I hate, I would never wish this on anyone.
What about all those wars, where so many people died. How can my hurt possibly relate to a hurt that large. A whole country's hurt.
Maybe more than just me hurt this time, the cards in the thousands, tens of thousands.
But still it doesn't compare.
Nothing is ever fair.
I don't think it's fair that I'm allowed to hurt when there are people out there who have the right to hurt so much more than me.
So I promised myself to try.
To try and dim this.
But it's really hard.
Your insides melt to nothing and your brain burns from holding it all in.
They tell me that I'm going to get over it so much faster than them. Just because he was their kid. Because it's totally different. Our relationship was totally different.
I told him things I never told anyone else. He seemed to be the only person I could ever trust in this place they call the world. This is going to take a long time to get over. And all the problems that come with it.
The never ending problems. That I want to disappear. Why can't life be almost as simple as before. When all this would have been a nightmare. My worst nightmare.
It's like living in this colourful nightmare, everything is still up around you, carrying on, but you are in black and white and are falling through the floor.
Everyone comes and goes for a reason right. Everyone leaves their mark. Everyone has to mean something to somebody. There is a reason for this. There has to be. Why would it happen. It's the wait that's hurting too. The waiting for the cure. The cure to this pain. It's how you deal with it on your own that will be your medicine. You have to go through it and through it in your head. Over and over again.
Eventually you forget the sound of his voice.
Eventually you go crazy from talking to him in your head.
You kill yourself for not believing.
Even in the back of my mind I want to believe he's playing this crazy joke.
To help me grow.
That he's really gone into hiding for a bit, he's going to come out later.
He wouldn't let himself die if he knew I was still here.
He wouldn't.
But it's really hard to hold onto hope when you stumble across pictures of his open coffin, when you see the drained skin, whiter than ice, when you see white lips, where blood no longer flows. When you see the purple tips of the ears, and you can visibly see the glue that is holding shut his eyelids because, really, there are no eyes under there, his corneas are being given to someone else.
You know it is really the end when you see a silver coffin with a gorgeous blonde boy inside dressed in his whites like a statue. You know it is the end when you touch his hand and feel ice.
You know it is the end when he never talks back.
You know it is the end when everything is put away.
When all the photos have tear stains.
When family isn't a word in vocabulary.
When his name hardly ever rolls off your tongue.
When every thought you have is of him.
When you have to try just to be yourself.
When he becomes a 3kg box of dust.
When he is dead you know it is the end.
Everything is sparse and inbetween.
I rang him up to say happy mothers day. But he was dead.
I guess happy mothers day is no longer happy.
So how well did he run the race? What place did he come?
Who knows, he never got there.
'I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold
Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together
Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace
I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world
Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace
Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace'
only memories
are left for me to hold
Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together
Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace
I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world
Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace
Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace'
Monday, June 28, 2010
Brick By Boring Brick
She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of the world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle (x2)
Ba da ba da ba
So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12
Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick
or the wolves gonna blow it down
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle (x2)
Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
Well, if it's not real
You can't hold it in your hands
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah
Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle (x2)
Ba da ba da ba...
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of the world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle (x2)
Ba da ba da ba
So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12
Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick
or the wolves gonna blow it down
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle (x2)
Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
Well, if it's not real
You can't hold it in your hands
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah
Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle (x2)
Ba da ba da ba...
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Make It Through The Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gXh6iR5Ogo&feature=related
'When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend
If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud, yeah
Soon I'll be knocking upon your door
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yes I will
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
When people can be so cold
They'll hurt you, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh yeah, but don't you let them
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again (oh baby don't you know)
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
Lord, I'll be there yes I will.
You've got a friend
Oh, you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend. '
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend
If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud, yeah
Soon I'll be knocking upon your door
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yes I will
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
When people can be so cold
They'll hurt you, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh yeah, but don't you let them
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again (oh baby don't you know)
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
Lord, I'll be there yes I will.
You've got a friend
Oh, you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend. '
'When everything is going wrong
And things are just a little strange
It's been so long now
You've forgotten how to smile.
And overhead the skies are clear
But it still seems to rain on you,
And your only friends all have
Better things to do.
[Chorus:]
When your down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When your down and lost
Along the way
Oh, just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK
Now things are only getting worse
And you need someone to take the blame
When your lover's gone
There's no-one to share the pain
Your sleeping with the TV on
And your lying in an empty bed
All the alcohol in the world
Could never help me to forget
[Chorus:]
When your down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When your down and lost
Along the way,
Just try a little harder
Try your best to make it
Through the day,
Oh just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK
You're not alone (you're not alone)
You're not alone (you're not alone)
You're not alone
Just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK
Oh, just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK
Won't you tell yourself
[Chorus:]
When your down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When your down and lost
Along the way,
Try a little harder
Try your best to make it
Through the day
Oh, just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK
Ah, I'll be OK
Ah, I'll be OK '
And things are just a little strange
It's been so long now
You've forgotten how to smile.
And overhead the skies are clear
But it still seems to rain on you,
And your only friends all have
Better things to do.
[Chorus:]
When your down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When your down and lost
Along the way
Oh, just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK
Now things are only getting worse
And you need someone to take the blame
When your lover's gone
There's no-one to share the pain
Your sleeping with the TV on
And your lying in an empty bed
All the alcohol in the world
Could never help me to forget
[Chorus:]
When your down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When your down and lost
Along the way,
Just try a little harder
Try your best to make it
Through the day,
Oh just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK
You're not alone (you're not alone)
You're not alone (you're not alone)
You're not alone
Just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK
Oh, just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK
Won't you tell yourself
[Chorus:]
When your down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When your down and lost
Along the way,
Try a little harder
Try your best to make it
Through the day
Oh, just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK
Ah, I'll be OK
Ah, I'll be OK '
This Is It What You Wanted To Know All Along
I guess I do it because I'm scared.
I'm scared of the truth, of what my life consists of. Or doesn't consist of.
I'm sorry I did it.
I am.
I'm sorry it made you doubt me, and I'm sorry you can't trust me.
But behind it all, I'm still here.
I'm still Me.
Although none of my life is really real. In my head I need something to cover who I am. Becuase I'm scared of being neglected, I'm scared of being me. SO I create something that I can see as a montage inside my head. Of how my life should be. BUt it's not like that. Bar you guys.
And a couple of people back home.
I just want to protect myself from people I guess.
I'm scaredto trust anyone, and I don't want anyone to trust me.
Lone rider.
I guess.
And I know by doing it, I have no friends,
but that's ok. I guess.
I have myself.
And the confusing mess that is my head.
And yeah I want friends,
that are friends.
But I'm not that sort of person.
The one that is just outgoing, extrovert, amazing.
I'm withdrawn and kind of introvert.
that's ok by me,
but just not by the standards of everyone else.
This is ok.
I am ok.
I understand if none of you really want to talk to me again.
I get it.
But I still want to be there.
And just.
Do everything.
Be everything.
I'm a CL.
I know that.
But take it or leave it.
You never have to believe me.
I guess I just don't want anyone to know the truth.
I love you all too much.
You mena the world to me.
I want to be different, happy, and just normal.
It's hard to change.
We all know that.
'Better run for cover
You're a hurricane full of lies
And the way you're heading
No one's getting out alive
So do us all a favor
Would you find somebody else to blame
'Cause your words are like bullets and I'm the way your weapons aim
Yes
I can feel the burn with things that I don't know about you baby
You're not misunderstood but you got
You got to go
(Lies)
Living in a fantasy
(Lies)
Don't even know reality
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
Don't even wanna know the truth
(Lies)
The devil has his eye on you girl
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
So don't forget your seatbelt
Don't you think of picking up the phone
Better say your prayers 'cause you're never gonna make it home
Did you miss the stop sign
That last decision was your last
'Cause you can't come back once you're lying in the broken glass
And I hold
You get to here me say, "Who gets the last laugh now"
(Lies)
Living in a fantasy
(Lies)
Don't even know reality
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
Don't even wanna know the truth
(Lies)
The devil has his eye on you girl
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
No more excuses
No more running
Only God can save you now
(God can save you now)
'Cause I know the truth
Time is running out
And I'm just one drink away
And I'm back in Wonderland like it was yesterday
And you get to hear me say, "Who gets the last"
"Who gets the last"
"Who gets the last laugh now"
(Lies)
Living in a fantasy
(Lies)
Don't even know reality
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
Don't even wanna know the truth
(Lies)
The devil has his eye on you girl
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
Woah
Oh
Oh
Lies
Lies
Lies
Woah
Oh
Oh
Lies
Lies
Lies
Woah
Oh
Oh
Lies
Lies
Lies
Woah
Oh
Oh
Lies
Lies
Lies'
You're a hurricane full of lies
And the way you're heading
No one's getting out alive
So do us all a favor
Would you find somebody else to blame
'Cause your words are like bullets and I'm the way your weapons aim
Yes
I can feel the burn with things that I don't know about you baby
You're not misunderstood but you got
You got to go
(Lies)
Living in a fantasy
(Lies)
Don't even know reality
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
Don't even wanna know the truth
(Lies)
The devil has his eye on you girl
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
So don't forget your seatbelt
Don't you think of picking up the phone
Better say your prayers 'cause you're never gonna make it home
Did you miss the stop sign
That last decision was your last
'Cause you can't come back once you're lying in the broken glass
And I hold
You get to here me say, "Who gets the last laugh now"
(Lies)
Living in a fantasy
(Lies)
Don't even know reality
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
Don't even wanna know the truth
(Lies)
The devil has his eye on you girl
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
No more excuses
No more running
Only God can save you now
(God can save you now)
'Cause I know the truth
Time is running out
And I'm just one drink away
And I'm back in Wonderland like it was yesterday
And you get to hear me say, "Who gets the last"
"Who gets the last"
"Who gets the last laugh now"
(Lies)
Living in a fantasy
(Lies)
Don't even know reality
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
Don't even wanna know the truth
(Lies)
The devil has his eye on you girl
(Lies)
When you start talking I start walking
(Lies)
Lies
Lies
Lies
Woah
Oh
Oh
Lies
Lies
Lies
Woah
Oh
Oh
Lies
Lies
Lies
Woah
Oh
Oh
Lies
Lies
Lies
Woah
Oh
Oh
Lies
Lies
Lies'
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Forever Love
Should we say go
Should we say stay
Do we stand tall
Or do we fade away
Do we keep on
Or do we fall down
I won't say goodbye
I won't say that now
I'll keep loving you forever
Because I swore I would
You know my word is good
I'll keep loving you forever
Because I swore I would
You know my word is good
You, forever and ever, love
Should we say stay
Do we stand tall
Or do we fade away
Do we keep on
Or do we fall down
I won't say goodbye
I won't say that now
I'll keep loving you forever
Because I swore I would
You know my word is good
I'll keep loving you forever
Because I swore I would
You know my word is good
You, forever and ever, love
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