And You Smile For Them

Here's some more images I took. And edited.

We all have to live in the now. It's what matters.

These Are For You

Some more photos I took.

And added text.

Because it makes sense.

I'm Hiding You Inside My Head

Here are some more photos that I took and added text.

For today will never be tomorrow, and tomorrow shall never be yesterday.

I Am Nothing.

Self Confidence.

I admit it.

I have none.

It Hurts

How far do we go till this starts to heal?

It is really starting to hurt now.

Everytime I see your funeral book on my Board I can't breathe, I don't know what to think.

I cry. I hurt. I'm angry. I need you.

Everyone else may have forgotten this already, they mayhave forgotten you.

But still the pain I feel is never ending. It starts at the top and sinks right in. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore.

I shut up.

I am nothing inside.

I need help. But not from professionals. I just want my friends to be there.

To at least pretend they care.

instead I put up a front, pretend I'm happy and make jokes about this.

it's not funny.

You're gone.

And I don't know how to go on.

Truly I don't.

It's too hard.

No matter how hard I soldier on the rest of life, eventually someone is going to shoot me. A sniper.

Someone from the opposite team. You already have shot my head, myheart and my soul.

I want to ask one question, for which no one has an answer to.

WHY? FUCKING WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?

I don't know.

I didn't know it was possible to hurt so much that I couldn't show it. for fear that if I did. I would break. For fear that others might run away. Be scared.

What od I do.

What.

Someone tell me.

I'm trying to do this, and stay strong.

It's too hard.

Far too hard.

I should be allowed to hurt, and show you.

but truth be I can't. there's a concrete wall.

It's also been 8 months and 16 days. since September the 10th 2009.

And that hurts too.

A lot.

But not as much as this.

If I could talk to you I would hit you.

For breaking apart something that was so important to me.

My family.

and then I would ask you why.

Then I would cry.

like a waterfall.

because you're not here and it's not fair that I am and have to deal with it.

It shold have been me.

Not you.

You were the one everyone loved, the one that was going to make it.

now what.

exactly.

Now what.

WHAT.

that's right.

nothing.

at all.

This Is Crap Crap Crap

This is not true. At all. It makes me angry. It makes me cry. It makes me realise, that everything I read, and everything I do, maybe none of it is true.

Photos

Some of my photos that I edited. :D

These Are My Confessions

I can do this.
I know that I can do it.
There are just those little reminders everyday that make me hurt.
Songs we listened to together.
Books we laughed about.
Our matching Harry POtter Bedspreads and sheets.
And the photos.
All the photos.
All of them.
I just wish I had someone who could hold my hand.
Through all of this.
Through every minute.
Because the people I need the most, they're just making this harder.
What they do makes me sick.
I just want you back.
Make this better.
That's all I want.
Is to be better.
And not broken.
Into one million
tiny tiny tiny pieces.

You see my silent plea for help,
you see my superficial smile as I don't want anyone to know.
You see me empty and alone.
And you still sit there.
And laugh with me, fight me, but when I want to talk you seem to disappear.
And I need this.
Just for two minutes.

'These are my confessions

I just want to live while I'm alive

It's my life'

I Fall When You Leave

All of a sudden this quest to find the meaning of life seems pointless.
My wanderings have stopped, my questions have ceased.
It's almost like I'm back behind the beginning, searching for my way to the start line.
It's impossible to find it.
No matter how hard I try I still can't reach it.
And that is how it feels to be me.
Lost alone and scared, wandering round in broken circles
trying to find the line

where I can finally start the process to accepting this.

Because right now.

I can't.

It's just too hard.

'Know that when you leave

By blood and by mean
You walk like a thieve
By blood and by mean
I fall when you leave'

Try To Let Go

Ten days.
That's not along time, but at the same time it is.
Because it still doesn't feel real.
It hasn't quite reached me that I will never see you again.
No matter how hard I try, I can't believe it.
I said goodbye, but I can't comprehend goodbye forever.
Experiencing life on my own, another concept I can't understand.

I miss you, but not enough that it hurts.
Soon it will.
And I don't know if I'll be able to carry on.
Truthfully, I don't think I will.
But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Won't we.

And I promised that when I hurt.
I would play your white stripes song.
Even if I didn't like it.
Because It reminds me of you.

Is it bad to cling to the past, well last holidays being the past?
If the person in your past is gone.
Maybe I should try and let go, even though I feel like I haven't got a grasp yet.

Darkness spirals upwards, and it hasn't engulfed me yet.
I'm still floating on a cloud of dreams, and that is where I will stay,
until you truly say good bye.

'When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins'

All of these images are about love, and hate, and being yourself.

But none of them are about being alone.

And none of them are about the pain I feel

because you are gone.

I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now

I told you not to forget me.

I told you to remember that I was here, and if there was one thing you had to do, it was to live for me.

But you seem to have forgotten that I exist, and you scream at each other, hit each other, throw things at each other,

tell me that nothing is worth while.

I am worthwhile,

I am still here.

I matter.

Instead I feel more alone and scared then I have ever felt before.

And I see you forget to breather, and I have to remind you to eat

and I am the one telling you to breathe, to carry on living

even though you ask what for

I still do it.

I have to.

I have no choice.

If it wasn't for me you would both be dead.

That's why I want you to wake up tomorrow and see,

that even in this time of utter darkness,

I can be the light at the end of your tunnel.

'Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now'

I didn't know how hard this was going to be when I started out on this journey. Growth and renewal, you're always going to be a part of me baby Brother. I love you so much, I don't know why you had to leave us so early, but the good always die young eh, that's what you said. xox

I Thought That It Was

I thought that it was what I wanted.

It turns out, that I never really did want it,

I just wanted reassurance,

that you were my friend

and would be there

forever.

Win. Lose. Draw.

Everybody wants you to be the best, but no-one wants you to win.

It's a fact of life. Everybody wants you to lose,

so they can win.

'I'm a walking disaster
dont wanna hurt you thats why you got to go
destruction like fire on the ground
that's why you got to go'