It is really starting to hurt now.
Everytime I see your funeral book on my Board I can't breathe, I don't know what to think.
I cry. I hurt. I'm angry. I need you.
Everyone else may have forgotten this already, they mayhave forgotten you.
But still the pain I feel is never ending. It starts at the top and sinks right in. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore.
I shut up.
I am nothing inside.
I need help. But not from professionals. I just want my friends to be there.
To at least pretend they care.
instead I put up a front, pretend I'm happy and make jokes about this.
it's not funny.
You're gone.
And I don't know how to go on.
Truly I don't.
It's too hard.
No matter how hard I soldier on the rest of life, eventually someone is going to shoot me. A sniper.
Someone from the opposite team. You already have shot my head, myheart and my soul.
I want to ask one question, for which no one has an answer to.
WHY? FUCKING WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?
I don't know.
I didn't know it was possible to hurt so much that I couldn't show it. for fear that if I did. I would break. For fear that others might run away. Be scared.
What od I do.
What.
Someone tell me.
I'm trying to do this, and stay strong.
It's too hard.
Far too hard.
I should be allowed to hurt, and show you.
but truth be I can't. there's a concrete wall.
It's also been 8 months and 16 days. since September the 10th 2009.
And that hurts too.
A lot.
But not as much as this.
If I could talk to you I would hit you.
For breaking apart something that was so important to me.
My family.
and then I would ask you why.
Then I would cry.
like a waterfall.
because you're not here and it's not fair that I am and have to deal with it.
It shold have been me.
Not you.
You were the one everyone loved, the one that was going to make it.
now what.
exactly.
Now what.
WHAT.
that's right.
nothing.
at all.
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