Lost

I feels like it has been a long time. And right now, in this very moment I feel like a completely different person. Not necessarily a good person, just different. I feel as though i have some sort of shield around me which holds everyone off. A label, a stigma within society. 'Oh it's her'. You can't understand how this feels until it's actually happened to you. I have few friends who stick by my side. I can count them on one hand not including my thumb. Two of them Are my complete rocks. Boy and girl. Showing me everything that is right in this world. The other two just sort of jumped in when I needed support. Someone once said that 'the true friends in life are those who walk in when the rest of the world walks out'. This is true. I find myself leaning more and more on myself and less on others. I find myself thinking to myself a lot more, with holding all the information I just want to share with the world. Who am I supposed to tell ' Oh my gosh my brother would have loved this movie we would have said this and this and we would have argued about this...' people get sick of you pretty quick. They stop wanting to hear about it. They don't care it's you that's hurting. They just want everything to be happy and normal. Happy and normal no longer exists. Normal now means riding on the hurricane of what's going to happen next. It has been one downhill tumble after another. Though bruised and battered to an impossible extent, I still manage to stand again. I know how stupid it is, saying that I'm all bruised and battered, and I'll look back on this as the worst year of my life. And I know people have had worse. But you have to be thankful I"m still here,willing to go through all of this, just so I can come out the other side to be there for someone else. No one knows how much I have been through except myself. And I am the only one that has been there when I've hurt alone, I'm the only one that's been there when I cry so hard that I can't breathe and I can't see straight because my tears cloud my contacts. I am the only one that has been there when I have been forced to tell my whole story to a psychiatrist, I am the only that has been labelled as insane, although sometimes I have felt like I am the only sane one here. I now know, that apart from my better half, there is just me n this world. I can't show my fears, I cant show my pain, all I can show is strength and happiness. That's ok. I have come to terms with everything. It's all going to be ok. Let me get away from here. Let me stop missing everyone. Let me move on and grow up. Let me come back a better person, ready to start over friendships new. because now, As I am in a different world than them, I let myself grow apart and come to terms with who it is I want to be. And I know that has nothing to do with anyone, except myself.

I wish my parents would leave me alone. I wish they would take their arguing and violence away from me. I wish they would let me get on with my life and stop talking to me about my brother. I wish they would admit that I'm not the only one hurting. I wish that my parents would never want to see me. I wish they would stop shouting and stop screaming at each other. I wish my father didn't expect so much of he while he is so awful to me. I wish he would move out of this house into another house with his lady friends. I don't care about him. I would had it not been for his stupid destructive actions. I wish my mom stopped trying to mollycoddle me.

I want my dad to shut up and stop me around. Just stop. Just leave me alone. Awful people have to stay away from me. Him included. I have never felt so ill wished towards someone before. I don't want to fix this. I just want to get out of this. My dad is a dick. A bastard. I F**king idiot. I F**KING HATE HIM. I can't be in the same place as him without wanting to kill someone.

My safe haven is somewhere with two people who make me happy. I want to run away there. Stay there forever. Stay where I feel accepted. Because she is my best friend ever. And I knew it all along. I knew she was the one that was always there, even though she is AWOL. I know she is the one that is strong enough to help me through this. She's helped me through things before, she is stronger than me. I was the one that cried when she was hurting. And she was just so strong she helped me accept her pain. I guess I did and it made our bond stronger. I can't help but think how awful life would be without her, and her boyfriend. They make up the better half of me. They make up my world in a positive light. They are the two most amazing people on this earth.

I have a lot to say. More than this. My words are all jumbled up because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it. I don't know what to say first or how to handle any of it. There is just so much. All I wanted to do was get it out. But I can't get it alll out. There is just too much. And this is just a fraction. the smallest fraction. Multiply it by a infinity times and that is how much I have to say to this pathetic blog of mine which is my rebound friend.

I am becoming more wholesome. I have learnt how to deal with life. It's harshest blows. I have learnt that friends aren't everything. You are everything. You are the only thing that can hold you up. Let your friends be there, but you have to be strong within yourself to be able to be strong with others.

Let the start of the new beginning begin today.

Love xoxo

I've got to let you go, let you go, break me free, I'm here to fly awaaaaay.......

'Daylight comes in the nick of time
Shines some light into the darkest corners of her mind
All the world is, all the world is weighing down on you

Piece by piece, it all falls away
All this beauty, all this magic 'til there's nothing there
If only love was enough, I could reach you, I would reach you

I know I'm not tired of you, but maybe you got tired of me
It seems like every little thing I do makes you pull yourself away
So I'm waiting for the sun, but you only see the grey
Oh no - won't you please come on home

Oh, I've been missing you, you got lost along the way
Oh maybe you aren't lost; it's still in you some way
If only love was enough, I could reach you, I would reach you

I know I'm not tired of you, but maybe you got tired of me
It seems like every little thing I do makes you pull yourself away
So I'm waiting for the sun, but you only see the grey
Oh no - won't you please come on home

Seems like every little thing I do makes you pull yourself away
So I'm waiting for the sun, but you only see the grey
Oh no - won't you please come on home

If only love was enough, I would reach you, I could reach you'