Realize

I read through all my old blogs.

And I realise how small my problems were before now.

What has happened to me?

I don't know. I don't know what has happened.

All of a sudden.

My problems seem much bigger.

And more in my face.

Then I ever imagined they could be.

Drop It Low

You Are Not Insignificant.

And You can't stop me worrying.

Because who else can I care as much As I cared about my brother.

Except for you.

You're my sister.

Except sometimes.

I feel like you just want to hurt.

And you don't want me to help you.

And that hurts.

Because you matter the most.

I love you so much.

That anyone or anything.

That tries to hurt you.

Will be dead and gone.

Because I care.

About you. About her.

About them.

I do.

I'm just not that good at showing it.

I guess.

Sometimes.

Don't hide from me too much.

Just leave a little gap in the curtains so I can reach my hand between them and reahc for a hand to hold. Because I don't know what I need.

I just know I need

that.

Now go strip dance and have fun.

I think they call it life, drop it low.

Boom boom boom boom

drop it low.

I'm A Fish With Not Just A Small Pond, But No Pond

I have a headache.

I have had headache for a long time. Longer than I can remember.

And the headache really hurts. Because it's a thumping headache that doesn't go away.

But it is something that doesn't go away and I need to get used to it being there.

I need to get used to it just like I need to get used to the rest of my life. Get used to what it's going to be like from now on.

What is wrong with me.

Why can't I let it go.

Why can't I make it all go away.

And why can't everyone just stop making this worse.

Everything they're trying to do is making it worse.

It doesn't help that the people you thought were your friends are so insensitive that now all they can talk about at lunch is how fucked they want to get and how they all want to coma. And they need it just to have fun. I can't handle. People treating me like I don't care about this. Because I see my friends doing exactly the same thing.

And truth is, I'm scared. I don't want anyone to go down the same track. I don't think I could handle it. But what makes me more angry is that they know I'm going through this. But not one person thinks that maybe it's ok to talk to me like I'm still raw, maybe. That maybe my war wounds aren't even covered with plasters.

And they haven't learnt form this.

How much something like this can totally ruin your life and someone else's.

No one knows anything.

Well someone knows more than nothing.

But no one knows that I'm going to be walking through my life feeling like a failure.

Feeling like I'm not good enough for this.

Not good enough for this air I'm breathing.

Not good enough to be surrounded by people who care.

Because.

This is all my fault. It was never up to my parents to explain the harsh realities of life.

It was up to me. They don't know anything. They know the 60's and the 70's. But today is so much more different and so much harsher. And I was the only one who knew that could tell him. No one else was going to do it. Because You don't go preaching round to your friends, that 'hey, maybe, just maybe, this life is harder than you think it is. If you do this, you will get hurt, if you drive like this you will crash, if you drink lots of this you will coma.'

Oh yeah and if you watch too much television you'll get square eyes and if you eat carrots you will see in the dark and crusts will make your hair curly. Cool because you never wanted curly hair and you never got square eyes and seeing in the dark was due to the torch. I guess that means you never actually drove crazy and you never drank so much you comaed. But you did. I forgot. And that is the reason you've gone. Not to somewhere else. Not some place in the sky or in the ground, although I kidded myself that maybe you could hear what I was saying to you, but I know now that I never believed because there was never even a sign that you maybe even cared. You're a pile of ashes.

And my hand is black and blue for punching the underside of my desk. because that's the only place I can go now when I'm scared. Scared of being alone. Scared of my own thoughts. Scared of letting myself believe. And when I let myself believe for those split seconds I hit the wall so hard it hurts. I hit it so hard it almost dents. And it's all because I could hit you right now. I could punch your face in. Just because you were so damn stupid.

You make me question my own life.

My make me question the meaning of life and if I'm really meant to be here if you are not.

Even though, I still don't believe it. I can't. Because It would just hurt too much.

I hurt myself because I want some of this pain to be gone. Maybe if it hurts now, it won't so much later. Maybe if I wake up in the mornings without being able to feel my hands, or with a head throbbing so hard that I can't see straight, because I take way to many pills, then maybe it means later it won't hurt. It will all go away now.

But I'm cold.

And I'm lost.

I'm running round in circles. Like a girl who swims round and round and no one tells me to stop.

No one.

I'm trying to find the yellow brick road to you.

To me. To who I was before when you were such a big part of my life. When you were my life.

And I can't.

Because I'm all alone in this now.

I'm all alone searching for something that isn't there.

But I'm not admitting that to myself.

Because if I died too then I don't think we would actually be together.

In the eyes of everyone else maybe yes, but seriously, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we would be a pile of carbon in a box.

Although being with you right now is the thing I want the most.

You have no idea.

If I could make one wish, On my candle, on my star, on my dandelion, you know what it would be. And never again will my wish change. Although it can't possibly come true. No one said that I couldn't let myself think you're still here.

So now I hide in a cave in my room where the darkness lingers and the cold stays like frost upon a lawn. And I cry. And I scream. Because no one is here to hear me. I I cry how much it hurts. And I bang the walls so hard that I feel as if they're going to fall down. And I scream so loud that Barack Obama can hear them across that ditch. Because.

Because.

it doesn't help. Screaming and crying.

It makes me feel stupid and dumb.

because I'm an adult for any sake.

I think I'm empty.

I'm a refugee in my own head.

I feel like I'm the only one in poverty when the people around me revel in their wealth. Their wealth being their family, their brothers, their sisters.

I'm falling.

I can't stand up on my own.

I have strings telling me what to do.

They're making me moves for me.

I just hope they don't do anything too damn stupid.

Because I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Or how much longer I'll be around.

I honestly can't say that.

Because my minds is empty of me.

I don't know who I am any more.

I don't.

I am happy. I am laughing.

But that's not Emily.

That's someone else.

Someone I don't know.

But if that's who I have to be from now on, so people keep on talking to me.

Then that's who I'll be.

I can see myself breaking the people around me.

I can't handle it if they start to feel anything of what I'm feeling. WI would never wish this on anyone.

Never ever.

It is the worst feeling in the world.

I could accept it.

Better.

I fi Had gotten to say bye baby bro.

I'll miss you when you're gone.

You were the best.

But no.

All I got was a

'He's dead.'

I don't believe it.

Those Split Seconds Between my life and my death are going to be the longest seconds ever.

Can I feel you.

Or Can I not.

No.

So I guess.

It's goodbye.

For good.

Bye. xxxx

The Only Escape.

I can't believe that it has come down to this.

A wall between me and you. Me and them. Me and the rest of the world.

I don't think I can handle someone telling me what is right and what is wrong right now. It's too hard.

And here you are telling me what I need, because you know best, right.

You know exactly what is going to be good for me.

You know that I CAN'T sleep alone. SO you make her leave.

You know I CAN'T sleep. So you make me shiver alone.

You know I CAN'T talk to adults. And the only options you give me are an old woman counsellor, a balding matron, or a matron who acts like she's ten but she's thirty.

And you thought it was all my fault.

Why didn't you just ask.

Yes, most of it is my fault.

For her and her,

but the rest,

I'm not like that. I don't go through everyone making them tired and stressed.

THAT'S NOT ME.

I don't know what you are seeing.

Because you are ripping me in half and I can't actually handle this.

I couldn't see your face yesterday in case I actually went to you and stabbed your face.

You made me so angry that you think you know what I'm going through.

You have NO idea.

You don't know how it is to have physical pain strewing from your lungs, every breath is a struggle.

Just to be here is a struggle.

But you think it's over.

You think it's all gone.

Well you're wrong.

It's just beginning.

And It hasn't even really started yet, I'm still walking up to the starting line of the rest of my life. YAY. You don't make this easy for me.

And so now I am going to go and hide inside myself and break myself down just so I don't have to do this.

Just so I don't have to put up with you.

Just so I don't have to be angry at you.

I will not do this the way I feel is right because I will get throttled by everyone.

So I'm going to smile and be happy and be awesome.

And you are going to leave me alone now.

Because if I hear from you once more.

Trying to ruin me.

I will take all my nurofens and die.

Because that,

at this moment in time.

Is my only escape.

'there are no lyrics

here that I could put

to express this feeling

inside.

So I leave it blank,

but full of anger'

Mix Tape

I made a mix tape.

I love mix tapes.

And I thought I would insert lyrics here.

Just cause they kind of paint how I'm feeling right now.

So there are twenty songs on the mix tape.

And I'm going to take like lyrics from 5 - 10 of these songs.

The Sound Of Pulling Heaven Down

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before
Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore
I may be some sort of crazy
We may be some sort of crazy
But I swear on everything I have and more

You make the sound of pulling heaven down
You brought the rain's romantic pour
You make the sound
You make the sound
Of pulling heaven down

The Prayer

'My heart thump not from being nervous
Sometimes I'm thinking God made me special here on purpose
So all the while 'til I'm gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won't
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur
Baby how I dream of being free since my birth
Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse
Have you ever heard of some shit so real
Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
But please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you
And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take
'Cuz I'm ready for the funeral'

Happy Alone

'In my home, I've always known
I gotta be happy alone
so burn the mail, destroy the phone
yeah, I'd wanna be happy alone
the moving sky, the rocks below
All so perfectly happy alone
Our little hearts have turned to stone
I'd better be happy...'

16 At War

I want you to love my mind, my smile, my style
I want you to know the best of me
I want to belong without being treated like property
Why does it seem like fantasy?

I’m sixteen and I shouldn’t have to feel like this
I’m sixteen every young boy out here want to kiss me
I’m sixteen and me and my mama going through it
I’m sixteen on the block, sixteen on the block
I’m sixteen at war I'm sixteen at war I'm sixteen at war I'm sixteen at war'

Overweight

'Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long? (ha!)

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues, I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the girl, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?'

Prayer Of The Refugee

'We are the angry and the desperate,
The hungry, and the cold,
We are the ones who kept quiet,
And always did what we were told.

But we've been sweating while you slept so calm,
In the safety of your home.
We've been pulling out the nails that hold up
Everything you've known.

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You won't let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You won't let me down, down, down!

So open your eyes child,
Let's be on our way.
Broken windows and ashes
Are guiding the way.

Keep quiet no longer,
We'll sing through the day,
Of the lives that we've lost,
And the lives we've reclaimed.'

I guess this is just how it is.

Let it Be.

x

If Today Was Your Last Day

It's inexplicable.

Kind of like a crushing feeling.

And it still doesn't feel real.

It can't be real.

Because when I let myself think it, I can't handle it.

I physically can't breathe.

But maybe that's how it's supposed to feel.

I hurts all the time, not just inside my head,

but everything actually hurts.

I'm not kidding.

IT HURTS.

I guess I kind of pretend I'm ok,

because I'm so not ok,

I don't think anyone could really handle it.

I don't sleep at night, and I'm scared of the dark, but I'm scared of the day and I'm scared of being alone, of grasping at empty air, of crying empty tears, at talking to someone who's a pile of dust.

I'm going crazy.

I can't handle the stress, and I can't handle the sunshine.

I want to crawl under my covers and listen to the rain, and just let time flow over me until this is all over.

Until my heart physically stops hurting.

Until I don't feel like I'm hurting anyone else as well.

Until someone can handle how I feel and help me.

because I don't think anyone is strong enough.

I think I'm alone on this one.

No matter what,

I'll always be tired,

and I'll always be stressed,

and I'll always be upset,

and I'll always be confused.

But the few people out there who are helping me through this,

I love you eternally and forever.

no have no idea how much you matter,

and you have no idea how much you are making me realise

that this isn't the end.

Not yet, anyways.

You are my rocks

and Like a river I run over you and wear you down,

but you're still there

and I promise I'll repay you one day

however you need.

Because For infinity I'll owe you my life.

I miss me,

I miss being full of energy.

I miss understanding my friends.

And I miss him.

A lot.

'my best friend gave me the best advice
he said each day's a gift and not a given right
leave no stone unturned
leave your fears behind
and try to take the path less travelled by
that first step you take is the longest stride

if today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
could you say goodbye to yesterday?
would you live each moment like your last?
leave old pictures in the past?
donate every dime you had?
if today was your last day'

You're The Strength I Need To Fight

If looks could kill you'd be the one,
that takes my world and makes me numb.
I'm nothing, without you i can't breathe.
(I can't breathe.)
And as the sunlight burns the sky,
I see through my obsessive eyes.
I'm nothing, without you i can't see.

You're the strength i need to fight,
You're the reason i still try.
I'm the moth and you're the light
Use these wings so i can fly,
I can fly.

I've got purpose once again.
I've got purpose once again.