If Today Was Your Last Day

It's inexplicable.

Kind of like a crushing feeling.

And it still doesn't feel real.

It can't be real.

Because when I let myself think it, I can't handle it.

I physically can't breathe.

But maybe that's how it's supposed to feel.

I hurts all the time, not just inside my head,

but everything actually hurts.

I'm not kidding.

IT HURTS.

I guess I kind of pretend I'm ok,

because I'm so not ok,

I don't think anyone could really handle it.

I don't sleep at night, and I'm scared of the dark, but I'm scared of the day and I'm scared of being alone, of grasping at empty air, of crying empty tears, at talking to someone who's a pile of dust.

I'm going crazy.

I can't handle the stress, and I can't handle the sunshine.

I want to crawl under my covers and listen to the rain, and just let time flow over me until this is all over.

Until my heart physically stops hurting.

Until I don't feel like I'm hurting anyone else as well.

Until someone can handle how I feel and help me.

because I don't think anyone is strong enough.

I think I'm alone on this one.

No matter what,

I'll always be tired,

and I'll always be stressed,

and I'll always be upset,

and I'll always be confused.

But the few people out there who are helping me through this,

I love you eternally and forever.

no have no idea how much you matter,

and you have no idea how much you are making me realise

that this isn't the end.

Not yet, anyways.

You are my rocks

and Like a river I run over you and wear you down,

but you're still there

and I promise I'll repay you one day

however you need.

Because For infinity I'll owe you my life.

I miss me,

I miss being full of energy.

I miss understanding my friends.

And I miss him.

A lot.

'my best friend gave me the best advice
he said each day's a gift and not a given right
leave no stone unturned
leave your fears behind
and try to take the path less travelled by
that first step you take is the longest stride

if today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
could you say goodbye to yesterday?
would you live each moment like your last?
leave old pictures in the past?
donate every dime you had?
if today was your last day'