Indigo II

Light of Lights be holden, We from days of Olden sang this song

For to understand that peace upon this planet was pledged to come

Each to other be as brother born for life and song,

Look towards the light and carry on.

Let the simple Heart and hope among us

keep our families strong.

Light calling, night falling, falling, falling.

Darkness all around us, light has always found us.

Light will come Where the dark is deepest,

greater light will keep us safe from harm

Troubled times will always find a voice of troubled doom.

Look towards the light and carry on,

let the simple heart and hope among us

keep our families strong,

let the simple heart and hope among us keep our family strong.

'Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out'

Hate Me

"Hi Justin! This is your mother it is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication. You know I love ya. Take care honey, I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye Bye!"

I have to block out thoughts of you
So I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach
Leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape
To remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head
That make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride
A nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me
Just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me
it is I that wanted this

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months
It's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart
Is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you
For holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself
You were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions
On things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself
When it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away
That I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart
To leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

And when the sad hard eyes say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street
For every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry
And I held your face in my hand
And then I found out I can't make it go away
Just make it stop
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered:
"How could you did this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see
What's good for you, for you, for you, for you...

NIGH

You must forget about everything and just pass the line. Who cares if they hurt you. It's seriously living with no end in sight when they disappear.

Think about that.

And then don't burn your arms. Because it's going to hurt and leave scars.

Because there's no point. Unless The end is nigh.

Which it isn't.

Smile.

Blue October Overweight

I am a trivial excuse for a person.

No one is ever going to care, because, you know what,

There are so many things out there, that I know, take away everything that I know, that are so much worse than anything i could ever experience.

I feel it, I do.

I know there are other people hurting, I know that.

I don't to show people my hurting, because they will judge me for being selfish, for being stupid, by hurting me I hurt others.

But if no one ever finds out, it is never going to urt them.

And I can support everyone else who is hurting more than me, because What I have gone through, can't be that much compared to them.

I have seen the natural cycles of life, if though somewhat unnatural.

It shouldn't always happen this way, but it does,

and I need to escape,

I just want everyone to be ok.

That's all I want.

I want to be finished with, ebtirely human, entirely happy, so I can just be.

Being.

I don't know what's wrong with me,

what inspires to say stuff, what makes me me.

One day I am going to die. I want to die while I'm at the top of my health, the top of my game.

I am scared of the decline, I am scared of the end. because Am I just going to become the roots of a tree, the vines of a grape, the mud of a field.

If I am at my best now, so be it.

So be everything.

I don't know what forward and backward is, what up and down is, what circles or squares are.

I want to know the truth. Of who I am.

I'm insecure.

I'm lame, I'm awesome, I'm just not anyone else

And I never will be.

I'm sick of this thing they call me.

I want to change

I want to change for the better,

for something more

Just forget about me.

Just forget I even exist.

Stop telling me things that make me want to shrivel in a ball and die.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry he's dead

I'm sorry I'm not an amazing shoulder to cry on

I'm sorry I'm never home

I'm sorry you had to make an effort for me,

I'm sorry I'm not as happy as I was three years ago,

thigs happen.

I'm sorry boy, I'm sorry.

Just replenish me, find me, build me back up and I'm yours forever until eternity,

I'm tired of this. I want to move on. out of here, somewhere where no one will care about anything.

It will be me and destiny,

and I won't feel as though I'm inadequate all the time.

I'll feel full and happy

and this won't exist.

We won't exist,

you won't make me feel like this.

Because I'll be stronger

I won't feel vulnerable

like someone else is living my life

BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE I WANT TO BE. Be. Be. i want to be the base of my life.

I WANT TO HELP YOU

But first you have to care.

Like I did.

Don't dig me out of this hole I have dug,

Because it will only make it bigger.

I need a rope.

I want to be there for you. For everyone. I don't like what I've bc=ecome.

I'm a monster in my own head.

Every time I laugh it's a dying giraffe suffocationg.

I want to be FREE.

to help YOU. And everyone ELSE>

Because sometimes, they hurt too.

Don't you know it.

I don't want them to hurt.

Enjoyment from the core of the bone.

'I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the girl, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?'

Breathe

I care.

I swear.

I do care.

You just don't.

Not enough.

If you did,

you would see the signs I'm sending you.

the not ok.

the I'm living a lie, those aren't accidents.

What you think is the truth

why don't you just ask.

Please,

then I'll tell you how much I'm struggling

to be happy

But I am happy

I'm really trying.

I don't want to let you down.

I want to be what you want me to be.

The physical pain takes the emotional pain away.

You are my world

You are my sunshine

But somehow I seem to cower from your light.

I knwo you're hurting too.

Just

I smile and say ok

Because it is, to me it has to be,

Because no one wants to know what's behind my bars,

they just hold onto the hands that I hold outside.

Because that is all they want to know

And those that dare to venture further,

must first find the key.

Which was thrown away years ago.

So no one ever bothers.

But it's fine.

I'm fine.

'2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to'

FAIRY TALE

Reason says love
Is believing so that you
Don't have to find the truth
So you can close your mind
To what really is

But I know
Better than that
I know

That you opened my heart
That hope gave me golden wings
To fly where you
Fear to go

I know that
Tomorrow won't be so bad
If I believe that
I can go one more day
Just survive

I know better
And I know

Emptiness
Loneliness
Is worse than death
And only you can take death away
Bury it in the grave
Forever

What I know is
That
Grace is something I don't deserve
Something I need
Like air to survive

That I've made
Mistakes
More than I can count
That blood washed me away

I know
That love may seem to
You like a fairy tale
But to me
You're the one in the fairy tale world

'I'm staring at the ceiling, laying here dreaming,
Wasting the day away
The world's flying by our window outside
But hey baby that's okay
This feels so right, it can't be wrong so far as I can see
Where you wanna go'

Life is good.

Happy Alone

Who knew closing the distance between friends could create a distance so far I never thought possible?

It makes me upset and confused.

And it makes me want to escape, it makes me hurt inside.

But you know what

life is good.

I still haven't found the meaning for me to be here

and everytime I see that dreadful comment, I harden up inside, but it is just a fact of life

I will never be that person,

I will never be that.

So Get over myself, just forgive and move on.

Life is easier when you're alone.

'In my home, I've always known
I gotta be happy alone
so burn the mail, destroy the phone
yeah, I'd wanna be happy alone
the moving sky, the rocks below
All so perfectly happy alone

Our little hearts have turned to stone
I'd better be happy alone'

Surrender

Today, life was not a slow and painful death. It was slow and painful, but I was alive. And Every moment of my time is spent on gaining strength, on learning who I really am, and who my real friends are :D

It's not what people take away from you that counts, and over the years, people have taken a lot away from me, my sanity, my life, my heart, my mind, my happiness, but it's what I do with what I have left that counts the most.

I am still in awe of this world, and I have so much around me I can use to my advantage, I don't know why I never saw it in front of me. Why didn't I? I have no clue. I still don't se things clearly, It's a haze that the rain will eventually clear away.

In life, there is a weight we must carry round, our burdens, our problems, but if I try I know I can make them light loads,

It doesn't matter if it's a phone call from a man I once thought stronger than the world, now demolished form within, or if it's my fiend telling me I am worthless, that I am scum, that if he were to sell me, I would be worth no more then 30 cents.

Because with these comes things that has to be my fault, correct? Yes. Why would someone tell me that unless that is what he truly thought. In moments of truth, people don't lie. And no matter how much that truth may hurt, there must have been something I did to make it happen, something that I triggered.

It didn't make sense at the beginning, all of this confusion, all of this druelty, but I'm learning to accept it's part of who I am, and just make my heavy load light work.

And I'm beginning by ignoring the problem. For now.

Eventually I will have to face it, I know, but right now, being happy consists not of him, but solely of me.

Love Is all around. I know that now, but sometimes, when the weight gets heavy, I find it hard to find it.

Cordelia of Shakespeare's King Lear once said ' Unhappy that I am, I cannot heave my heart into my mouth'

I can criticize All I like, I can dondemn the world, I can condemn the friends I have at home, I can complain, as a lot of fools do, But it takes a lot of self will and character, self-control and strength to understand all of this and forgive. just forgive everyone who has hurt me over the last few years, forget everything they've ever done. Start a new slate.

Even you.

Even Her.

EVen though she tried to kill me.

Oh wow, I've never really talked about this. It's really hard, but honestly, I forgive her. I forgive her. I don't understand, but I forgive her. I forgive her every move, everything that she has ever done to hurt me. Maybe forgiveness is the key.

I just don't want to cheat myself, it is the worst of all frauds. All sin is easy after cheating to one's self.

So I forgie you, I forgive her, I forgive both of them, I forgive my father, I forgive my mother, I forgive everyone. I love you all, you are all part of the building blocks in who I am today.

I don't care if I've been abused, or if I've been drowned or if I've been hurt to the extent where I can never be the same again.

After forgiveness, Everything will replenish.

I won't surrender.

I will keep fighting.

'I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.'

'And these are my sins
These are my regrets
I want to trade them in for some truth
And just let it go, let it go

Don't waste your breath
Save your tears for somebody who believes
I can't help myself, let alone you
I give up, I give up'

Grace

Emptiness.

I know for a fact, now, that I am no longer empty.

I have no idea what I'm filled with, but I found something, so precious, and so fragile, that I just grasped it between finger and thumb and tugged on it ever so gently.

And no, it hasn't completely filled the void, but I'm getting there, it's a sense of self,

a sense of Identity, a sense of belonging in one's own body.

I am still angry. all the time. About being me, about not being what people want, about being what people find annoying, and stupid.

Anger is something I find hard to embrace, it kind of just sits in the tip of my mind, and I need a lot of pain to evaporate it away, which shouldn't be necassary, but to get rid of it, I have to run through my head why I am angry, and it is always at myself, and so I must tell myself what is wrong, with myself, how ironic, and then I must evaporate the anger, and it takes a lot of pain.

And that just didn't make any sense. It wasn't meant to make any sense to anyone but myself.

i just know, that resurfacing those things which hurt the most, is a good thing. It helps you realise, this is what has happened to you, and you have to deal with it, accept it, it is a character building event.

If you love until the pain is intense, the pain just sort of dies away, and the love grows back, sometimes, maybe, in relationships it shouldn't.

Life is never hard, it just isn't easy. keep it glass half full and things should work out. right?

But there are some things in life which just can't fill that empty hole, the hole that can't be filled with money, with possessions, with family.

I'm not one to complain a lot.

I don't like complaining, and at this point in time, I have nothing to complain about, but because theoretically, there is only one person reading this blog, and it isn't googleable, then it shouldn't matter what I say.

And theoretically what I have to say doesn't matter, because I am another person out of the 6,692,030,277 that there are on this planet, and why should I be different, why should I be special, why me, why should I be chosen to do this and that, Why should I be loved, why should I believe, when the things that there are to believe in are overcrowded with believers.

All these questions I ask, I have no answer to, but in my subconscious, I know what is right, I know what I should say, but sometimes I just don't feel that way. I know I should, but what is it to me, what is it that makes me more than a pile of carbon compunds, why do I have feelings and emotion that run so deep, not even I can dig them up to find them, why do I have to find belief.

It's because, like yesterday,

I want to end with an end,

Everybody does, no one wants to finish before the finish line, we all want to reach it.

The world is an interesting place.

Created so beautiful, yet so sinister and dangerous, the landscapes harsh and unforgiving, yet with curiosity we roam, and we discover the earth. It cannot be a coincidence that the earth was created so perfect, so unique, and it cannot be a coincidence that we were given brain and legs to stand on, arms to hold out, hands to grasp, eyes to see, ears to hear, and a mouth to taste the wonders of nature.

It can't be coincidence, a coincidence so perfect, so surreal, just can't happen.

Someone had to want this, someone had to believe this could work, whether it be a God, or a figment of my imagination, I am beginning to see the bigger picture, the exquisite belonging who is me, who is you, what is the world. Everything counts, every miniscule detail is thought out.

I just can't comprehend this planet anymore, all of a sudden it becomes to big, too mesmerizing, too amazing.

And still, I am a fraction of this planet, but inside of me, there is a hole, waiting to find the meaning of this.

'I'm on my knees 

Only memories are left for me to hold 

Don't know how but I'll get by 

 Slowly pull myself together 

 There's no escape  so keep me safe 

 This feels so unreal 

 Nothing comes easily 

 Fill this empty space 

 Nothing is like it seems 

 Turn my grief to grace'  

'What would you do if you knew the truth?
What would you do if I told you the story of my life?
Would you find me overly familiar towards you?
Would you call me crude, fling me aside to the birds?
What do I do with all these feelings holding me back inside?'

The Reeling

I have done a lot of thinking.

I have come to multiple conclusions.

The first being that no metter how hard I try, I am never going to be as amazing as everyone else, I ma never going to be as 'liked' as anyone else, but I don't think it's a bad thing.

Because although I may be different in a similar way, and although I may go through the same thing as everyone else, I'm just not quite there, with feeling happy as who I am. And it's something that I will learn to accept as I grow. I hope.

Growth and development is the process which I fear the most, but in which my anticipation runs high. I don't like being locked in my mind, overcrowded and claustrophobic with thoughts. I need nights alone to let them front up and for me to figure out what's going on with them, and then discard them or keep them. It's a complicated process which Involves a lot of mental archiving.

I guess Confusion is a correct term.

I don't know what to believe in. Too many people believe in different things. There are so many people in the world, yet so many believe in this, and that, and the other thing, and because there are so many followers, there has to be something there, otherwise people wouldn't believe.

I want to believe in something, I do, I just haven't seen or heard what they have.

If there is one personality of a person I dislike a large amount, it would be the person who says belief is a load of bullcrap, a person who find vulgar tongur attractive, a person who finds trying to be different by slipping into bad habits a good choice, someone who disrespects who I am, someone who makes eveything about themselves, someone who pulls people down brick by brick, and doesn't bother to rebuild their wall. Someone who doesn't even want to try and believe in something. What have you got to lose.

We all need guidance. Whether it's from a conscience or a human being. That's why belief is a good thing. no matter what. Because Belief has guidance, and belief has trust, and belief has loyalty, and belief IS. It doesn't matter what you believe in. But there has to be things out there that you can believe in. Because I'm still looking for them, and I don't want my search to be fruitless. because i want to find something in the end. I don't care what. I just want to be alone. Because right now I feel alone.

So alone.

And it's at the extent of feeling less than a person, less than a human being.

Because maybe to be happy by yourself, you must believe.

Ok. Second thought.

I have been thinking what it is about my personality which makes it so dislikeable. Because I seem to get into quite big messes without intending to. Rather large. piles of garbage, and I also feel like people find me offensive. I don't try to be offensive or anything. In fact, I do not like offending people, I try to be nice to everyone.

It's a harsh world, when You are put next to people you do not get along with at all.

You must learn to accept it. I just find it really hard, to be disliked, when no one even bothers to tell me why, because it adds to the confusing factor of my mosh pit of a brain.

I never seem to be able to do anything right, never seem to say the right thing, never seem to display emotions of happiness all the time, when that's what I want.

I don't like making people worry. I don't want people to care, because when I am hurting, I don't want them to hurt, I don't want them to waste their precious brain space on me. I care about people. Sometimes too much, and I know how much brain space it takes up, it takes up a lot. I worry when I shouldn't, maybe I'm just too in-your-face. I think so. I know so. I don't like myself for it.

I don't really like myself at all.

But the funny thing is,

I don't mind.

Because I will find something to believe in, I will learn how to be a better perspn, I will learn how to accept more, I will learn how to detnagle the mess in my head.

It's all a learning curve.

One big circular mess.

We're always running around in circles.

Liek the girl who swam backstroke round in circles in a pool, and no one ever told her to stop. And people watched on, and felt sorry for her, and some laughed, some felt bad, some just felt nothing.

Maybe we are like girls swimming backstroke in circles, getting close and then veering away again, seeing what we want and what we need, then being pulled away. We learn all these things, we start to believe in ourselves, in the bigger picture, in something better, when all of a sudden something is pulled from underneath us, our heart is shattered in a million pieces, we face loss, desperation, pain, anger, denial, grief, and we turn around and start the process again, and maybe we never reach the finish line, we get pulled out just before, and we are never complete.

That is something that upsets me a great deal, that is something that shouldn't, I know,

I just feel like not finishing a life with an end is a tragedy, the understanding goes astray and i start to hurt all over again, when I was so close to acceptance.

I need something,

I need guidance,

We all go,

we all need some lane ropes in life,

but to do that I think we need to believe.

When I find it, something to believe in, I'll tell you,

because at this point in time I am lost,

running round in circles,

Growing desperate, tired and alone.

Confused I lay, Confused I rise, maybe tomorrow shall be a better today. I hope so.

'we dug these holes we crawled into now they're my home
now here i cannot feel the wind, cant feel the rain oh no
and i believe in gentle harmony
well how i loathe all this obscenity
is this the way my life has got to be?
have i a single opportunity?

look at me oh look at me is this the way i'll always be
oh no, oh no
now i pray that somebody will quickly come and kidnap me
oh no, oh no
everyday i lie awake and pray to god today's the day
oh no, oh no
here i am oh here i am oh when will someone understand?'