Surrender

Today, life was not a slow and painful death. It was slow and painful, but I was alive. And Every moment of my time is spent on gaining strength, on learning who I really am, and who my real friends are :D

It's not what people take away from you that counts, and over the years, people have taken a lot away from me, my sanity, my life, my heart, my mind, my happiness, but it's what I do with what I have left that counts the most.

I am still in awe of this world, and I have so much around me I can use to my advantage, I don't know why I never saw it in front of me. Why didn't I? I have no clue. I still don't se things clearly, It's a haze that the rain will eventually clear away.

In life, there is a weight we must carry round, our burdens, our problems, but if I try I know I can make them light loads,

It doesn't matter if it's a phone call from a man I once thought stronger than the world, now demolished form within, or if it's my fiend telling me I am worthless, that I am scum, that if he were to sell me, I would be worth no more then 30 cents.

Because with these comes things that has to be my fault, correct? Yes. Why would someone tell me that unless that is what he truly thought. In moments of truth, people don't lie. And no matter how much that truth may hurt, there must have been something I did to make it happen, something that I triggered.

It didn't make sense at the beginning, all of this confusion, all of this druelty, but I'm learning to accept it's part of who I am, and just make my heavy load light work.

And I'm beginning by ignoring the problem. For now.

Eventually I will have to face it, I know, but right now, being happy consists not of him, but solely of me.

Love Is all around. I know that now, but sometimes, when the weight gets heavy, I find it hard to find it.

Cordelia of Shakespeare's King Lear once said ' Unhappy that I am, I cannot heave my heart into my mouth'

I can criticize All I like, I can dondemn the world, I can condemn the friends I have at home, I can complain, as a lot of fools do, But it takes a lot of self will and character, self-control and strength to understand all of this and forgive. just forgive everyone who has hurt me over the last few years, forget everything they've ever done. Start a new slate.

Even you.

Even Her.

EVen though she tried to kill me.

Oh wow, I've never really talked about this. It's really hard, but honestly, I forgive her. I forgive her. I don't understand, but I forgive her. I forgive her every move, everything that she has ever done to hurt me. Maybe forgiveness is the key.

I just don't want to cheat myself, it is the worst of all frauds. All sin is easy after cheating to one's self.

So I forgie you, I forgive her, I forgive both of them, I forgive my father, I forgive my mother, I forgive everyone. I love you all, you are all part of the building blocks in who I am today.

I don't care if I've been abused, or if I've been drowned or if I've been hurt to the extent where I can never be the same again.

After forgiveness, Everything will replenish.

I won't surrender.

I will keep fighting.

'I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.'

'And these are my sins
These are my regrets
I want to trade them in for some truth
And just let it go, let it go

Don't waste your breath
Save your tears for somebody who believes
I can't help myself, let alone you
I give up, I give up'