The World Spins Madly On

It's hard to think about me never seeing somebody again. It's even harder to express how much pain I am in to someone else. Only when I am alone, do I ever let myself go.

And cry.

Because it hurts so much, it's too hard to let go. It's too hard to comprehend that I'll never get to hold your hand again, never get to laugh, smile or play hungry hippos.

And every tear I cry it gets harder to stop, and every tear in my heart is a ripping sensation that burns. The fire just keeps on growing inside, all consuming me, all consuming what I should be.

And everything I see, from the grey skies to the dust, is another thing I know she can never appreciate, so I'm trying to appreciate it all now. Every little bit.

But sometimes it's hard.

Everything just seems hard.

All the time.

And no one can really help, it's a long and arduous process I must endure. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't want to pile my troubles on anyone but myself, I don't care how much I get cut up inside, it's a consequence I must face.

I just want to jump down a deep hole and escape this. Bury myself alive. But why is it so hard to let go? Why can't I except change and just move forward. It doesn't make sense.

None of it is fair.

I just want to understand.

I didn't even get to say I love you.

You left this world as you entered it. alone, breathless, in pain, cold and scared.

I know It's not fair.

I know how much suffering hurts.

I know how much you wanted to make it to that day.

I know how much it meant to you.

I know how much you cared, even though you pretended you didn't.

I know how much it mattered.

I know how much it meant.

I want to know how much it means now. If it can mean anything. If you can feel eternity ahead of you.

Or whether you were from ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

Because I want to feel hope.

I want to stop feeling this pain inside.

I want to know that you're happy, with Alex and Nina, with Poppa, with Nathan. Little 3 year old Nathan.

I just need something to hold on to, before I am left speeding off into the horizon of my life.

'Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on'