http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cN0d9-0VDME&feature=player_embedded#!

Happy

It's all too much. All of it. All of it is just in my head. I can physically feel it hurting in my chest. The feeling you get when you're just about to scream or about to cry, but nothing happens. It's just there.

Why did I do this why why why why why why

There had to be a reason.

I just can't understand myself.

Why I would do something to render me alone for the rest of eternity.

No matter what you say it's different.

This almost interesting pain,

self inflicted but not purposely.

A bad habit. Something I always do.

I don't want it to hurt like this.

All the tears, litres and litres of them can't do anything to save me now, I'm drowning in my own river.

No one sees because no one wants to know.

They don't want to see past my ripples on the surface.

If someone just waited for the surface to become still, and look under the glass, you would see that in fact I'm full of pennies, and nickels, and quarters. Coins millions and millions of them. People have thrown a part of them into me, and made a wish. They have trusted me, they have invested in me, they have believed in me. I am made deep down out of gold, Gold that shines, but the layers of dark and storms and the ripples on the surface cover it all. Layer by layer I will eventually be revealed.

But deepest down is my love for you, for her, for her, for her.

There is still only one explanation. I need to get through these layers to expose myself, I need to expose myself for who I am, for how much I care.

Because I know I care to infinity and beyond, I know I care so much sometimes I can feel myself expanding,

but the thing is,

can you feel how much I care?

How much I care for you, how much I care for your words,

how much I care for who you are.

It is an appreciation of the greatest kind, when I can see past the ripples on the surface to what lies below,

and in you and me both, I know lies gold, I know lies gold and silver. And at the very center of your being is a pearl, soft and warm, waiting for the moment in which you will embrace yourself.

I know how much it hurts to peel it all back, but that is what I'm doing. Monster by monster, secret by secret, I have to get it all out,

I just hope I'm not alone at the end.

Because that would mean no one waited for the ripples to clear.

'Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything

Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
’cause love won’t set you free

I can’t stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy'

Missing

LOVE IS NOT LOVE

WHICH ALTERS WHEN IT ALTERATION FINDS

The Sun And The Moon

I love you to infinity and beyond. I'm just scared of losing it. Losing all of this, the amazingness I already have. I miss you so much it hurts. It hurts so bad, It's an inexplicable hurt that's my fault. It's all my fault. I'm sorry.

I miss you more than the sun misses the moon on a black night.

You don't care

If you really care about me then why would you do this. Now I think it's best that this is over. I should just ride lone now.

That's how it was at the start right. That's how it was at the start.

That's how it's gonna end too.

I just can't believe you don't care.

Gah.

Look What I've Done

I know I made a mistake. By letting everything get too much and by freaking out.

It's all been inside for so long and I justed wanted someone to know exactly how I felt.

I knew it was suicide from the start.

I know who I live with,

I know what they're like.

They're teenage girls like me, they're not forgiving.

I knew when I did it I was never going to be forgiven.

I went crazy. Everything that I've been keeping deep down inside just came up and I couldn't handle myself.

I knew I couldn't handle myself.

I just wanted someone to save me from myself.

I ALWAYS do this.

I get a friend who cares I GET A FRIEND WHO CARES then I freak out that they're going to let me go so I do it.

I do the hurtful deed,

but I don't want to lose them.

I did it last time and I've done it again.

Everything just became too much.

I have to go.

I have to get out.

I always hurt myself and other people.

Because I don't want this,

seriously I don't.

I just get overwhelmed and now

it's like being on an ever dropping fearfall.

I'm scared that she won't talk to me ever again. I knew at the start that she wouldn't.

I just didn't know it could hurt this much.

I know now when they say that breaking up with a friend hurts more than breaking up with a boyfriend it's true.

It's almost like losing a brother.

But at least when you lose a brother your friends are there.

When you lose your friends you've got no one.

And it's all your fault.

How come I knew this was coming.

Stupid insecure me.

Stupid fucking crazy me.

Me who wants to change but doesn't know how.

Stupid fucking mental insane me who just wants a normal life where she doesn't fuck it all up

where her friends care more than she does where she finds solace.

I guess I knew all along that 17 year old girls could never handle it.

They couldn't handle me, i

m just too fucking craaaazy bithc.

I get it.

I'm meant to have no friends.

It's just hard to accept that fact I guess.

Cause I miss her already.

I miss her.

Fuck why do I always fuck it up.

Fuck me.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so so so so so sorry.

I just wish you would listen to me this once and hear what I have to say.

'Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone'

We'll See

Sometimes I wonder if this is what it feels like for me,

what must it feel like for you,

it must be completely strange and different,

knowing your connected and I'm not,

it must be completely different being a part of it all,

rather than a spot on the edge,

it must be completely different knowing you are completely secure in this life,

and then me,

totally holding onto every word you say

and every action you make,

because I am so scared

that the smallest thing will send me teetering over the edge, over the edge of this thing they call friendship.

I'm scared,

I never said I'm scared or admitted it,

I'm just scared to lose you, to lose everyone.

I guess by pushing myself and plummeting myself far far away I had so much more time to prepare for the downfall than if I just let you push me.

Nothing can change how it is, dynamics take their own course

but it just sucks that I'm the brunt end of this.

But I think it's gonna be ok when I'm gone.

Finally no more random third wheel to this bicycle ride.

The journey will just begin.

Just make sure I know the track so I can meet you at the other side. But it's your choice to change it without me knowing.

But deep inside, deep deep deep, I hope you don't.

The jealousy, that scariness, the dark when I'm not a part of your light.

It hurts more than you could ever know.

But the night has to take over sometime, I'm not made of everything positive like anyone else.

And that I guess I will have to miss.

I miss you all already.

But will you ever miss me.

We'll see.

We Radiated Outward

Grace

It's been a bit.

It's like I've had some sort of block.

There is so much to say, I just don't know where to start.

Well it's July. The 20th. It's been 81 days. It shouldn't hurt anymore should it.

I don't know if it's still meant to hurt. Every little thing triggers a memory, a feeling, everything I see is something that you will never get to see or experience. And I guess that it's just still really unfair. It's just not fair. None of this is fair.

I guess knowing the truth just makes it all sink in.

Acute alcohol intoxication and poisoning. Pulmonary congestion. Oedema of the lungs. Terminal aspiration. Visceral and Cerebral congestion.

I don't think I wanted to know. It makes it so much more fresh.

I wake up every morning and I have the same thought when I look at the roof. What if. What if What if What if What if What if What if What if.

THe what if's are stupid. They are what is tearing me apart inside. They are the pain. Because if every single what if was true he would be alive.

It's not hard to save somebody.

He wasn't at the point of no return. He was at the point of return. with help.

But no one wanted to help him.

What sort of person sees a dying boy and doesn't want to help him.

What sort of person wants to hide a dying boy.

What sort of person wants to kill them.

It was at the front gates.

I was waiting for him to drop something off.

But it never came.

He came but the parcel was so much worse.

It's not easily forgotten. How you're told. And it haunts me every night.

No matter how hard I try to let it go. It comes back. It keeps on coming back. I tell it to go away. I tell it to leave me alone. But the more you try to forget a memory the more it pesters. The more it wants to stay.

I'm leaving it all inside myself. No one can see how much I'm burnt. To my core. No one is allowed to see it. I don't want anyone to ever feel this hurt. It's not fair and no matter how much I hate, I would never wish this on anyone.

What about all those wars, where so many people died. How can my hurt possibly relate to a hurt that large. A whole country's hurt.

Maybe more than just me hurt this time, the cards in the thousands, tens of thousands.

But still it doesn't compare.

Nothing is ever fair.

I don't think it's fair that I'm allowed to hurt when there are people out there who have the right to hurt so much more than me.

So I promised myself to try.

To try and dim this.

But it's really hard.

Your insides melt to nothing and your brain burns from holding it all in.

They tell me that I'm going to get over it so much faster than them. Just because he was their kid. Because it's totally different. Our relationship was totally different.

I told him things I never told anyone else. He seemed to be the only person I could ever trust in this place they call the world. This is going to take a long time to get over. And all the problems that come with it.

The never ending problems. That I want to disappear. Why can't life be almost as simple as before. When all this would have been a nightmare. My worst nightmare.

It's like living in this colourful nightmare, everything is still up around you, carrying on, but you are in black and white and are falling through the floor.

Everyone comes and goes for a reason right. Everyone leaves their mark. Everyone has to mean something to somebody. There is a reason for this. There has to be. Why would it happen. It's the wait that's hurting too. The waiting for the cure. The cure to this pain. It's how you deal with it on your own that will be your medicine. You have to go through it and through it in your head. Over and over again.

Eventually you forget the sound of his voice.

Eventually you go crazy from talking to him in your head.

You kill yourself for not believing.

Even in the back of my mind I want to believe he's playing this crazy joke.

To help me grow.

That he's really gone into hiding for a bit, he's going to come out later.

He wouldn't let himself die if he knew I was still here.

He wouldn't.

But it's really hard to hold onto hope when you stumble across pictures of his open coffin, when you see the drained skin, whiter than ice, when you see white lips, where blood no longer flows. When you see the purple tips of the ears, and you can visibly see the glue that is holding shut his eyelids because, really, there are no eyes under there, his corneas are being given to someone else.

You know it is really the end when you see a silver coffin with a gorgeous blonde boy inside dressed in his whites like a statue. You know it is the end when you touch his hand and feel ice.

You know it is the end when he never talks back.

You know it is the end when everything is put away.

When all the photos have tear stains.

When family isn't a word in vocabulary.

When his name hardly ever rolls off your tongue.

When every thought you have is of him.

When you have to try just to be yourself.

When he becomes a 3kg box of dust.

When he is dead you know it is the end.

Everything is sparse and inbetween.

I rang him up to say happy mothers day. But he was dead.

I guess happy mothers day is no longer happy.

So how well did he run the race? What place did he come?

Who knows, he never got there.

'I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold

Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together

Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace'