Happy

It's all too much. All of it. All of it is just in my head. I can physically feel it hurting in my chest. The feeling you get when you're just about to scream or about to cry, but nothing happens. It's just there.

Why did I do this why why why why why why

There had to be a reason.

I just can't understand myself.

Why I would do something to render me alone for the rest of eternity.

No matter what you say it's different.

This almost interesting pain,

self inflicted but not purposely.

A bad habit. Something I always do.

I don't want it to hurt like this.

All the tears, litres and litres of them can't do anything to save me now, I'm drowning in my own river.

No one sees because no one wants to know.

They don't want to see past my ripples on the surface.

If someone just waited for the surface to become still, and look under the glass, you would see that in fact I'm full of pennies, and nickels, and quarters. Coins millions and millions of them. People have thrown a part of them into me, and made a wish. They have trusted me, they have invested in me, they have believed in me. I am made deep down out of gold, Gold that shines, but the layers of dark and storms and the ripples on the surface cover it all. Layer by layer I will eventually be revealed.

But deepest down is my love for you, for her, for her, for her.

There is still only one explanation. I need to get through these layers to expose myself, I need to expose myself for who I am, for how much I care.

Because I know I care to infinity and beyond, I know I care so much sometimes I can feel myself expanding,

but the thing is,

can you feel how much I care?

How much I care for you, how much I care for your words,

how much I care for who you are.

It is an appreciation of the greatest kind, when I can see past the ripples on the surface to what lies below,

and in you and me both, I know lies gold, I know lies gold and silver. And at the very center of your being is a pearl, soft and warm, waiting for the moment in which you will embrace yourself.

I know how much it hurts to peel it all back, but that is what I'm doing. Monster by monster, secret by secret, I have to get it all out,

I just hope I'm not alone at the end.

Because that would mean no one waited for the ripples to clear.

'Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything

Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
’cause love won’t set you free

I can’t stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy'