BOY MEETS GIRL

It was a story of boy met girl.  Boy is enchanted by girl, but doesn't do anything to show it.  Girl really likes boy, and is overly confident with how she feels, she starts to look needy.  Boy gets what he wants from girl.  Girl falls head over heels.  Boy has had what he wants, the chase is over, the enchantment is gone.  Boy walks away without realising, that he has left something behind.  




Her Broken Heart.

Baby I'm a fiiiirework, come on show me what you're worth

Adieu

I don't actually know how to put this into nice words.  Because I can't.
How can you say that absolutely everything about your father disgusts you, nicely.  It's impossible.  I can't do it. I just don't know how.  I have to get away from here.  Every minute I am here it is another minute towards the end of this.  I will break down in no time at all.  I can't handle that, and I don't have anyone else who wants to handle it with me.  I thought I had friend that were capable of being there for me.  They failed.  I thought I had someone I could lean on for everything.  I don't.  I guess the reason I wanted it, was because they were all lying to me about how much they cared, I needed somewhere where people actually cared.  I could see through their false pretenses and perfect worlds, nothing I did would be good enough for them.
And yet again I find myself giving all, and gaining nothing in return.
This is why I learn. And it hurts.
And the three people I find myself needing more and more, are the people that I didn't expect. The one I love, The one I find myself getting lost in his quirks which somehow I manage to love, and the tall silent one which is just there, all the time, and I know he is there for me.
I am scared if I leave they will forget me.
I am scared that if I go, they will just pretend I was never here,
They understand me,  they get this.
They get me.
And I get them.
There's a reason I was supposed to move on from the people before.
There had to be a reason, because they just weren't ready for this genius.
You call it what you want, I don't have it anymore. But it was an intricate winding of the mind that had everything under control to make it perfection  Somewhat messed up perfection, but how else could I reach perfection.  I found myself leaning further and further towards fulfilling it all.

So.
To those three people who make me part of a true team, don't forget I'm coming right back, and I'll be there for you through it all.  We will be amazing.  That I promise.

I thought I wouldn't be able to move on, I thought at the time that finding something new was impossible, I thought that I would never get over it.
Turns out, I just did, and I learnt how to not care for everything that gets in my path.
I am a trail blazing line of fire, you have no idea.
Once a memory, always a memory,
you never cease to enlighten me with who you are, guess that goes for both of us hey.
I don't think we are friends anymore.
I think you know that too.
I think you know that sometimes extended silence is the end of it all.
Sometimes, time doesn't fix everything, sometimes it ruins it.  Waiting ruins it.
So yeah. You ruined it.
That's good though.

The curves I follow are different now.
That's what happens when you grow up.  One day it will happen to you.  You will realise how ridiculous it all was.
You will regret it all, but for now you have her, and when you don't?  I don't know.

SO, Team JEAH.  Let's get this ball rolling.  A force to be reckoned with hey.

I would say I love you all, but Love is something I have learnt not to give out to easily isn't it.  Because I gave it to you, and what did you do... throw it away. Throw it away.

Adieu.

Tardiness Fails

I was bored tonight.  I thought I would experiment with CS5.  Sorry for not posting,  And there has been so much to talk about to, to rant on about as well, But I just haven't been in the mood.  But these are how I spent my Sunday evening.

         

'

Two things made me laugh really hard today.  The first was Taylor Swift.  The second was Hamish Saunders.

Oh and there's a third.  The thought of them combined at Hamish's drinks on Friday.  (.is prostitution themed)

Mental Image:

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Lost

I feels like it has been a long time. And right now, in this very moment I feel like a completely different person. Not necessarily a good person, just different. I feel as though i have some sort of shield around me which holds everyone off. A label, a stigma within society. 'Oh it's her'. You can't understand how this feels until it's actually happened to you. I have few friends who stick by my side. I can count them on one hand not including my thumb. Two of them Are my complete rocks. Boy and girl. Showing me everything that is right in this world. The other two just sort of jumped in when I needed support. Someone once said that 'the true friends in life are those who walk in when the rest of the world walks out'. This is true. I find myself leaning more and more on myself and less on others. I find myself thinking to myself a lot more, with holding all the information I just want to share with the world. Who am I supposed to tell ' Oh my gosh my brother would have loved this movie we would have said this and this and we would have argued about this...' people get sick of you pretty quick. They stop wanting to hear about it. They don't care it's you that's hurting. They just want everything to be happy and normal. Happy and normal no longer exists. Normal now means riding on the hurricane of what's going to happen next. It has been one downhill tumble after another. Though bruised and battered to an impossible extent, I still manage to stand again. I know how stupid it is, saying that I'm all bruised and battered, and I'll look back on this as the worst year of my life. And I know people have had worse. But you have to be thankful I"m still here,willing to go through all of this, just so I can come out the other side to be there for someone else. No one knows how much I have been through except myself. And I am the only one that has been there when I've hurt alone, I'm the only one that's been there when I cry so hard that I can't breathe and I can't see straight because my tears cloud my contacts. I am the only one that has been there when I have been forced to tell my whole story to a psychiatrist, I am the only that has been labelled as insane, although sometimes I have felt like I am the only sane one here. I now know, that apart from my better half, there is just me n this world. I can't show my fears, I cant show my pain, all I can show is strength and happiness. That's ok. I have come to terms with everything. It's all going to be ok. Let me get away from here. Let me stop missing everyone. Let me move on and grow up. Let me come back a better person, ready to start over friendships new. because now, As I am in a different world than them, I let myself grow apart and come to terms with who it is I want to be. And I know that has nothing to do with anyone, except myself.

I wish my parents would leave me alone. I wish they would take their arguing and violence away from me. I wish they would let me get on with my life and stop talking to me about my brother. I wish they would admit that I'm not the only one hurting. I wish that my parents would never want to see me. I wish they would stop shouting and stop screaming at each other. I wish my father didn't expect so much of he while he is so awful to me. I wish he would move out of this house into another house with his lady friends. I don't care about him. I would had it not been for his stupid destructive actions. I wish my mom stopped trying to mollycoddle me.

I want my dad to shut up and stop me around. Just stop. Just leave me alone. Awful people have to stay away from me. Him included. I have never felt so ill wished towards someone before. I don't want to fix this. I just want to get out of this. My dad is a dick. A bastard. I F**king idiot. I F**KING HATE HIM. I can't be in the same place as him without wanting to kill someone.

My safe haven is somewhere with two people who make me happy. I want to run away there. Stay there forever. Stay where I feel accepted. Because she is my best friend ever. And I knew it all along. I knew she was the one that was always there, even though she is AWOL. I know she is the one that is strong enough to help me through this. She's helped me through things before, she is stronger than me. I was the one that cried when she was hurting. And she was just so strong she helped me accept her pain. I guess I did and it made our bond stronger. I can't help but think how awful life would be without her, and her boyfriend. They make up the better half of me. They make up my world in a positive light. They are the two most amazing people on this earth.

I have a lot to say. More than this. My words are all jumbled up because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it. I don't know what to say first or how to handle any of it. There is just so much. All I wanted to do was get it out. But I can't get it alll out. There is just too much. And this is just a fraction. the smallest fraction. Multiply it by a infinity times and that is how much I have to say to this pathetic blog of mine which is my rebound friend.

I am becoming more wholesome. I have learnt how to deal with life. It's harshest blows. I have learnt that friends aren't everything. You are everything. You are the only thing that can hold you up. Let your friends be there, but you have to be strong within yourself to be able to be strong with others.

Let the start of the new beginning begin today.

Love xoxo

I've got to let you go, let you go, break me free, I'm here to fly awaaaaay.......

'Daylight comes in the nick of time
Shines some light into the darkest corners of her mind
All the world is, all the world is weighing down on you

Piece by piece, it all falls away
All this beauty, all this magic 'til there's nothing there
If only love was enough, I could reach you, I would reach you

I know I'm not tired of you, but maybe you got tired of me
It seems like every little thing I do makes you pull yourself away
So I'm waiting for the sun, but you only see the grey
Oh no - won't you please come on home

Oh, I've been missing you, you got lost along the way
Oh maybe you aren't lost; it's still in you some way
If only love was enough, I could reach you, I would reach you

I know I'm not tired of you, but maybe you got tired of me
It seems like every little thing I do makes you pull yourself away
So I'm waiting for the sun, but you only see the grey
Oh no - won't you please come on home

Seems like every little thing I do makes you pull yourself away
So I'm waiting for the sun, but you only see the grey
Oh no - won't you please come on home

If only love was enough, I would reach you, I could reach you'

I'm Coming

To the shattered world,

thank you or gluing yourself back together again piece by piece, slowly but surely. You are my world, and I don't know what I would do without you.

And to the two who mean everything to me. My heart consists of two parts, a half each for wither of you.

Even though we've made mistakes, I'm a work in progress, I'm learning what to do to be a better person, a nicer person, a more wholesome person.

You mean the world to me, I care a lot.

So no matter what.

I'm here for you through hell and back again.

Because I'm still a person.

And I'm sorry for my mistakes.

I'm sorry I made them, I'm sorry I let them take me away, and I'm sorry I let them affect you.

Let the music wash me away,

I'm coming clean.

The countdown has begun.

Alone

Tomorrow it will be exactly three months.

Since he left me.

I was doing fine.

Until not too long ago.

It had started to sink in slowly, and it hit me hard, face on like a train.

I didn't know what to do with myself.

I couldn't handle the hurt. I had to get it out of me.

So I did.

Not in the best way either. I broke down. I shouted, I screamed, I cried, I hid.

I frightened myself.

And now, when I need someone to talk to more than ever,

I am left alone in this world,

empty and lost,

with no one to turn to.

And when my dreams are filled up with the faces of people who used to let me talk,

I realise that I am more alone, than I have ever been before.

And that pain,

isn't something I can live with for the rest of my life.

One mistake, and your world can get flushed away.

One mistake that no one wants to forgive you for.

One mistake that you will regret,

and one mistake that will leave you wondering if you're worth it.

Try and say sorry, but it doesn't work.

The damage is done, they say.

And now, at the moment when I want to turn back the most,

a brick wall has been built behind me,

and forward is the only option.

My tears don't mean anything anymore,

not when there isn't anyone to hear them.

'To make a mountain of your life

Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love, Hate will get you every time
Always love, Don't wait til the finish line

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But Always Love, Hate will get you every time
Always Love even when you want to fight

Self-directed lives
I want to know what it'd be like to
Aim so high above
Any card that has been dealt you

Always Love
Hate will get you every time
Always love
Hate will get you
'

Did You Forget

Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me

Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to talk
More about this love
Stronger than before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
I won't forget us

But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cN0d9-0VDME&feature=player_embedded#!

Happy

It's all too much. All of it. All of it is just in my head. I can physically feel it hurting in my chest. The feeling you get when you're just about to scream or about to cry, but nothing happens. It's just there.

Why did I do this why why why why why why

There had to be a reason.

I just can't understand myself.

Why I would do something to render me alone for the rest of eternity.

No matter what you say it's different.

This almost interesting pain,

self inflicted but not purposely.

A bad habit. Something I always do.

I don't want it to hurt like this.

All the tears, litres and litres of them can't do anything to save me now, I'm drowning in my own river.

No one sees because no one wants to know.

They don't want to see past my ripples on the surface.

If someone just waited for the surface to become still, and look under the glass, you would see that in fact I'm full of pennies, and nickels, and quarters. Coins millions and millions of them. People have thrown a part of them into me, and made a wish. They have trusted me, they have invested in me, they have believed in me. I am made deep down out of gold, Gold that shines, but the layers of dark and storms and the ripples on the surface cover it all. Layer by layer I will eventually be revealed.

But deepest down is my love for you, for her, for her, for her.

There is still only one explanation. I need to get through these layers to expose myself, I need to expose myself for who I am, for how much I care.

Because I know I care to infinity and beyond, I know I care so much sometimes I can feel myself expanding,

but the thing is,

can you feel how much I care?

How much I care for you, how much I care for your words,

how much I care for who you are.

It is an appreciation of the greatest kind, when I can see past the ripples on the surface to what lies below,

and in you and me both, I know lies gold, I know lies gold and silver. And at the very center of your being is a pearl, soft and warm, waiting for the moment in which you will embrace yourself.

I know how much it hurts to peel it all back, but that is what I'm doing. Monster by monster, secret by secret, I have to get it all out,

I just hope I'm not alone at the end.

Because that would mean no one waited for the ripples to clear.

'Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything

Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
’cause love won’t set you free

I can’t stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy'

Missing

LOVE IS NOT LOVE

WHICH ALTERS WHEN IT ALTERATION FINDS

The Sun And The Moon

I love you to infinity and beyond. I'm just scared of losing it. Losing all of this, the amazingness I already have. I miss you so much it hurts. It hurts so bad, It's an inexplicable hurt that's my fault. It's all my fault. I'm sorry.

I miss you more than the sun misses the moon on a black night.

You don't care

If you really care about me then why would you do this. Now I think it's best that this is over. I should just ride lone now.

That's how it was at the start right. That's how it was at the start.

That's how it's gonna end too.

I just can't believe you don't care.

Gah.

Look What I've Done

I know I made a mistake. By letting everything get too much and by freaking out.

It's all been inside for so long and I justed wanted someone to know exactly how I felt.

I knew it was suicide from the start.

I know who I live with,

I know what they're like.

They're teenage girls like me, they're not forgiving.

I knew when I did it I was never going to be forgiven.

I went crazy. Everything that I've been keeping deep down inside just came up and I couldn't handle myself.

I knew I couldn't handle myself.

I just wanted someone to save me from myself.

I ALWAYS do this.

I get a friend who cares I GET A FRIEND WHO CARES then I freak out that they're going to let me go so I do it.

I do the hurtful deed,

but I don't want to lose them.

I did it last time and I've done it again.

Everything just became too much.

I have to go.

I have to get out.

I always hurt myself and other people.

Because I don't want this,

seriously I don't.

I just get overwhelmed and now

it's like being on an ever dropping fearfall.

I'm scared that she won't talk to me ever again. I knew at the start that she wouldn't.

I just didn't know it could hurt this much.

I know now when they say that breaking up with a friend hurts more than breaking up with a boyfriend it's true.

It's almost like losing a brother.

But at least when you lose a brother your friends are there.

When you lose your friends you've got no one.

And it's all your fault.

How come I knew this was coming.

Stupid insecure me.

Stupid fucking crazy me.

Me who wants to change but doesn't know how.

Stupid fucking mental insane me who just wants a normal life where she doesn't fuck it all up

where her friends care more than she does where she finds solace.

I guess I knew all along that 17 year old girls could never handle it.

They couldn't handle me, i

m just too fucking craaaazy bithc.

I get it.

I'm meant to have no friends.

It's just hard to accept that fact I guess.

Cause I miss her already.

I miss her.

Fuck why do I always fuck it up.

Fuck me.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so so so so so sorry.

I just wish you would listen to me this once and hear what I have to say.

'Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone'

We'll See

Sometimes I wonder if this is what it feels like for me,

what must it feel like for you,

it must be completely strange and different,

knowing your connected and I'm not,

it must be completely different being a part of it all,

rather than a spot on the edge,

it must be completely different knowing you are completely secure in this life,

and then me,

totally holding onto every word you say

and every action you make,

because I am so scared

that the smallest thing will send me teetering over the edge, over the edge of this thing they call friendship.

I'm scared,

I never said I'm scared or admitted it,

I'm just scared to lose you, to lose everyone.

I guess by pushing myself and plummeting myself far far away I had so much more time to prepare for the downfall than if I just let you push me.

Nothing can change how it is, dynamics take their own course

but it just sucks that I'm the brunt end of this.

But I think it's gonna be ok when I'm gone.

Finally no more random third wheel to this bicycle ride.

The journey will just begin.

Just make sure I know the track so I can meet you at the other side. But it's your choice to change it without me knowing.

But deep inside, deep deep deep, I hope you don't.

The jealousy, that scariness, the dark when I'm not a part of your light.

It hurts more than you could ever know.

But the night has to take over sometime, I'm not made of everything positive like anyone else.

And that I guess I will have to miss.

I miss you all already.

But will you ever miss me.

We'll see.

We Radiated Outward