Half Alive

I find it hard to believe that so many people can manage to believe in the unknown. That even when their life takes a turn for the worst, they still believe.

Believe, Believe in what. Every day I open my eyes to the world, and all I can trust is myself, I can't find any other forces acting on me. If there was someone out there who listened to me, why would they be doing this to me.

Because I don't understand it. Maybe if someone said ' You did this this and this wrong, you need to pay the consequences' then I would understand. But what have I done that needs all of this to happen to me in one week.

Just living and breathing is hard.

Putting on appearances to find the good in everything. To find that surreal force, above it all, i find that hard.

Believeing is hard.

people say yeah it's like this. this is what the big man says. This is how we should live. This is what you should be like. You should live by these rules.

I want to believe, I do, but I can't. How can someone take so much away from me in a day. Without giving me some warning, without telling me, letting me break in half.

Without letting me say goodbye.

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

I want to believe there's something more than this, something more than mere existence, but we always want more than we can ever get.

Whatever is beyond this, Is it going to be exactly the same, is it going to be better, is it going to be worse. Is there such a thing as your heaven, your hell, or are we all just a pile of carbon compounds that decompose. Into nothing.

How can we achieve so much, mean so little, and then disappear.

In the bigger picture, there is no point to this. Why was I born to feel pain and hurt, and anger, and regret, and revenge, and emptiness, and then to grow old, and die.

WHy couldn't I just never have been born at all. Never had to go through the harsh realities of my life.

I have it good.

Real good.

I know that. DOn't get me wrong. I am so lucky. If luck exists.

But I can't help but feel that there has to be more than this. There has to. I'm sick of searching for something and never finding it. I guess I just stopped searching.

I find the little things, and just aim for them, because eveytime I aim for something more, have a dream, I get crushed underneath a steamroller of pain, of hurt, of all those emotions it isn't healthy to feel.

I'm trying to be happy.

Now and forever.

It is my goal.

I hope it doesn't get crushed. I have to pull it, put on a brave face, hide behind it, be happy. should be easy. Who cares what I feel underneath if they see the outside.

While I smile, my eyes die.

for now, sayonara.

'I'm spiraling into my doom

I'm feeling half alive but I know one day
You and I will be free

Well excuse me while I get killed softly,
Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay
At least 'til yesterday

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive'