Our Life Is Not A Movie Or Maybe

So I was thinking yesterday. It's all about what you really want. Deep inside.

What I wanted Career wise. If I wanted to go into a career which has high pay, and jobs are certain, like a doctor or a Lawyer or a scientist, or If I wanted to go into a job where I can define myself, where my creativity is the input. But jobs are uncertain and pay is usually low, like audio recording or film production.

And then I realised that I wouldn't choose what I wanted to do, it would sort of just happen, and what I do in my leisure time is what will lead me to what I want to do.

I don't really do much in my leisure time, I mean I've started doing this. I take photos. I record stuff, like the dog that was dancing just the other day. I watch movies, I listen to music. I do a lot of thinking.

Thinking is one of my major problems. I over think everything, and when it comes to going to sleep at night, I can't stop thinking, and therefore I can't physically go to sleep, because my mind is active and it is always running at a speed which I can't control.

I know nothing. I mean, how can you say you know what you want to do for the rest of your life, when all you have done is gone to school. And sat their like a sponge absorbing information, which on the part is merely 10% relevant to anything you are even interested in. It's a hard matter of discussion. Yet here we are, all aged 17 and 18 making these big choices which define how we are going to live.

I'm going to university.
I want to go to university.
But I also want to travel
and write music
and make films,
and argue with people.
Since when is there a profession that includes all of that. THere isn't one. or if there is I don't know anything about it.
Oh and I really like English Literature classes, and writing, deciphering the meaning behind a book, or a film, or a poem. There just seems to be a meaning in that, that makes me feel like there are people out there, who know that there are people out there who find consolence in their work. I sure do., When I read a book, like The Lovely Bones or The highest Tide, or Brother Fish. They just make you feel like your here for a reason.

Because everyone is here for a reason, on this planet. Whether they fulfil the reason they came here for, there is always reason. Whether it makes sense or not. It has never made sense to me.
When we die and Carry on to wherever is next, there is never no reason for our existence on this planet. Whether you save somebody from themselves, or wrote music which touched the deepest, most inner parts of the darkest people, or whether You saved a million lives, or whether you just were. just being. that has to be a reason right.

IT's just all so confusing. What I want. What you want. And when you're 17 or 18 and say you know what you want, that's a lie. It's impossible to know. IMPOSSIBLE. Maybe when you're thirty or mid 20's. But now, we are still adolescent people who are experiencing the pluses and minuses of growing up.

That's all I know right now. It's not much, but I know that people are hiding behind a screen of desperation and lies, lying to themselves, to others, doing what they think is right, not what actually is for them. No one is ever right. We are all wrong, because whatever you say, there is going to be someone out there who knows it better, and someone who knows it better than them, but there is never one person who can know it all. never.

All I know is that everyone is just as fragile as the next, and it's not about who makes it and who doesn't, it's the people who truly find themselves and love what they do who are the most successful. Not that really smart girl who is a really successful doctor. let me tell you. She doesn't know what she's doing. She has no clue. She did it because that was the academic path. that was what people expected. You mustn't fill the puzzle with the shape people want you to be. Just start your own puzzle, and there will be people who fit in next to you. and when you're puzzle is done, it will be the brightest most colourful intricate puzzle there has ever been.

That's it.
For now

Auf Wiedersehen.

'If you've done all wrong, your doing wrong, you can rest assured your gonna live quite quite long, all the wrong you've done will be undone in song'