Hi. To anyone out there who stumbles across this, it's me.
I never though Life'd be easy, but who said it had to be this hard. I can't seem to find a place to fit my puzzle piece in the giant puzzle they call the world, where everyone is uniform and nothing makes sense. I want to over a series of entries maybe it'll take a week maybe a year maybe life, to figure out who i am and where i fit in this harsh land they call earth. I go to a school where everyone fits into their cliques, where they live life like it is one big game, but I want to make a difference to someone, I want to mean something to someone. I want someone to see what i've done and make a difference to them.
It's hard been a misunderstood human. Sometimes I wonder what the point is of being here. Why is there such thing as reason when All I really am is an empty soul?
Is there a place in this world where I can fit in?
I'm not emo. that's for sure. I'm happy. a lot. I'm just really confused. And really lonely. So I'm on a quest.
I know there are many people who are pillars to my existence, who have shaped who I have become, but pillars all eventually crumble and you're left on your own. And that is when you have to look at the world from a different perspective. from here, From the sky, from the moon, from pluto.
So where to start. Let's start from here. now. I am going to untangle this mind of mine bit by bit. Starting with where I fit in my family. My mom is a pschypath weirdo ( sometimes bitch) who is obsessed with the idea of a perfect daughter. Which I am not. And I keep on apologising for not being perfect, all the time. But she doesn't want to accept that I have flaws, that I'm different from the girls around me. That maybe there's a soul deep inside this body that wants to escape. That maybe I just want to go somewhere where I can scream and run and escape the pain that surrounds my life.
Very few people understand that sort of pain. It's not a painful pain, it's an ache in my mind that never goes away. It's just.. there. I can feel it, telling me I'm doing something wrong. I shouldn't have to constantly be trying to escape these bonds that have grown around me, they should fall off, yet I feel trapped in a perfect world, where everyone around me is getting just what they want, what makes them happy, but not me.
My father is a sexist prick who sees me as an object, not a person with a brain, a person with feelings, a person with a soul. He constantly degrades me and makes me feel like sh**. I know his deepest darkest secrets, because I had a fear of what he really was a while ago. And I searched his closets and his emails while he was gone I struggled to find that the one man I thought I could love forever was now gone to me. he had turned into a monster, some sort of unknown beast. I'm afraid to tell anyone I know these things, because what if he tries to do something awful, like kill me, or worse, hang me with a rope from the garage, for my brother to see and for him to laugh at, like silence me forever. I'm really afraid, but I know that I should tell somebody, I can't let him get away with this. It makes me sick inside to know he does this, under the nose of the world. And every time I see him my stomach ties in knots, my twists and I feel like to hurt him. I feel like to run away and hide deep in a forest of hatred and anger where i can become absrbed and not get hurt. I know this is bad. but he is the worse father a child could ask for. He has merely the skeleton of a soul, merely the brain of a human. Unconditional love. Now that's a funny thing. It's the invisible ties between blood and human, between family and earth. It's the thing that has ruined the relationship with my father. I have to get away from this place they call home.
There's my brother. who knows nothing yet talks to me like he understand why my door has paint smears all over it, why there are gauges where my family was once drawn on. He gets the small things, but doesn't understand the whole picture. which is sad, because I don't want to break the news to him that in reality, in fact, this family is a broken one, connected by the strings of what is right and wrong. the loose breakable strings. He has yet to understand and see the world as I do, he has a lot to grow and develop.
And then there's me. I just don't fit in this 'family' of mine. It's not even a family. Families actually have to understand one another.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm here. It's those days when I see you struggling to hold on, and I know that I'm your something to grab a hold to.
'I'm a satellite heart Lost in the dark'
"Very few people understand that sort of pain. It's not a painful pain, it's an ache in my mind that never goes away. It's just.. there. I can feel it, telling me I'm doing something wrong. I shouldn't have to constantly be trying to escape these bonds that have grown around me, they should fall off, yet I feel trapped in a perfect world, where everyone around me is getting just what they want, what makes them happy, but not me."
ReplyDeleteYou have described my whole life with these words you wrote. I know you think you're alone, i thought that too for a long period of time.. but then you see that you're not the only one, that there are more of us (but not many) that live and don't know why they live, that love and don't know why they love. That wake up every morning and hope that something will change, that this mind will become different, same as everybody elses. But it doesn't, it never will. Because we see all and everything of the world that no one else does, and we can feel more than the others. We can hurt and not show it to the people, or we can scream and they wouldn't understand, they can't hear us. And they can think that we are emo, and that we're just trying to get attention, or whatever. We're just trying to be understood. But that will never happen. Unless you throw away everything you are and become someone else.