I'm not all that great at apologising.

I Know What I Am

I've Written To You Before, Now I Try Again, And Whisper In You're Ear, I'm Here

I want you to talk to me.

I try ringing you all the time.

Every spare moment.

I just want to talk.

To see how you are.

But you're always talking to him.

Always.

And you seem to forget I'm here.

But that's ok.

I know you're smart.

I know you're there for me.

I know that.

But I can't believe that when I need you you don't respond.

I just want to talk.

For maybe five minutes.

It's not hard.

And you're 18 now,

so you should be changed, like they say

But you still spend every moment talking to him,

and sometimes he hurts you,

and you come crying to me.

But for the love,

Even though I may not like him, and maybe I think he's angry

and he dislikes me, even though he says differently,

in the end waiting will be wirth it.

You are worth it.

And for now, he is worth it too,

even if you don't answer your phone

ever

ever

because you're talking to him.

I Still love you the same.

'Guess this means you're sorry

You're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me'

I'm Not Perfect. But Neither Are You.

ASSUMPTIONS WON'T GET YOU ANYWHERE. I AM ME AND YOU ARE YOU. MAYBE WE AREN'T MEANT TO GO PAST THIS POINT.

This Is Just How It Goes

DELETE IT THEN. STOP MAKING YOURSELF READ IT. I REALLY REALLY HATE IT.

Leave me alone.

Delete this from your history, delete this from your present, delete this from your future.

Don't judge me,

And don't ask questions.

This is just how it goes.

I fell once, I will not fall again.

I will disconnect from all I know,

and you can have misunderstandings and conceptions.

But you are all wrong.

I know nothing.

But you know Less.

Brother you are all mine for the taking.

And I will look after you.

But stop thinking you know what it's like.

Because you don't.

And maybe this is who I am. Just because I'm not like you, or your friends.

'Rows of houses all bearing down on me
I can feel their blue hands touching me
All these things in all positions
All these things will one day take control
And fade out again and fade out'

I Was Content With Loneliness

I'd like reconcile with you.

But I can't.

Because you don't want it.

You don't want me anymore.

It's okay.

I tell myself that.

We had a good friendship while it lasted.

And I miss it already,

but you don't want me.

And you send me that

through your eyes.

I know I'm different

But the least you could have done is accepted me.

And you didn't.

And now I'm alone.

And you have everything you ever wanted.

And that hurts me more than losing you.

That you took everything I had

and claimed it as your own,

and then stole it.

I had it.

Everything.

You've taken it away.

I need you to see that I miss you for a day

and that I want the old one back.

And I want to stop putting myself out there

when you hate me like you do.

Because I know what you're like.

And what you say about me hurts.

So please.

Either remember me and smile,

or forget I exist and leave it at that.

Because that might be easier for both of us.

but it's just to let you know I miss you.

'Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness'

I wonder if I run every red light.

And hold my breath for that second too long.

and j-walk everytime I cross the road,

if anything will ever happen.

Because I feel so angry right now,

that I want it to happen.

I want people to understand the pain they're causing me.

It is physical pain that actually aches.

It is aching bad.

I just need t let it all out,

but I'm sick of letting it out on people.

I need to let it out on things, on objects, on sand, on the table,

on that discarded tea cosy.

On anything.

I could kill you with my bare hands.

I could

but I won't

because I love you too much.

But I shouldn't love you should I.

I shouldn't even like you.

I shouldn't even care about you.

I should let you have your own time to you and you friends,

and leave me alone.

I AM JUST SO ANGRY.

This isn't going to go away with a snap of your fingers.

I know you laugh at me when I'm not around.

I know you make jokes about me

I know you like me when I'm there and hate on me when I'm not.

So just leave me alone.

stop it.

I'm seriously sick of it.

If I could I would dig a hole and bury myself.

Just end it.

thats what I want ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGh.

I need to get out this is painful

I am ANGRY.

You locked me out. Just let me in again. once. please.

I HATE IT. I HATE IT HERE.

I DO.

I NEED TO GO AWAY.

I NEED TO LEAVE.

I GET SOO ANGRY.

at how immature people can be, including myself,

at how uninclusive people can be, including myself.

HOw stupid we aall are,

How everyone just needs to grow up.

AND STOP IT.

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T EVEN COUNT AS A REAL PERSON.

I don't know how you don't see him for what he is.

BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE DOES

apart form you. and you. and you and you and you.

STOP IT. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.

he'll end up no one, trust me. and when you complain to me about it,

its your fault.

you're the one who hangs out with him,

talks to him every night.

YOU'RE THE ONE DIGGING YOURSELF A HOLE.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I know you don't care, and I know I hardly ever see you. ever, but still, why don't you just talke to me.

It is your hole you're digging, and maybe if you just listened to the people around you you would understand.

At least I hope you would.

It just makes me feel so crap, because I know you can do so much better than that.

I know you can.

seriously.

But today was a good day. It was.

And i hope we have more days like that. minus the reckless driving. and minus the crash into the tree. Today I loved life. You're awesome and amazing.

Never forget.

I think I just need to get away, and Im going to make our shells into a necklace, and I'm going to remember it forever, and everyone else who didn't even care this day, well maybe you're not worth remembering, because you didn't care. Two people cared today.

And those people are the people that matter to me.

And my family at school. my ainga. my usos. You guys are awesome. I love you. Just sing your songs and live your life,

because one day,

it will all be suddenly over.

and days like this, are the days we will miss together.

PEace, love, its all here, just pass my wall and you'll find it.

'When life had locked me out, I turned to you
So open the door.
Cuz' you're all I need right now it´s true.
Nothin' works like you.'

I Won't Let You Down, Just Give Me A Second To Breathe

I don't know how you do it. How you're hemispheral brain knows everything. Every little thing.

It scares me. Alomst. But I know that i's better for me to trust you, than to decieve you. I need someone I can trust in this world, if only for a day, if even not the truth.

Yes, I write about nothingness, and meaningless, yet somehow you understand the scrawling of no one.

No one being the person here, inside me, who knows this. Who has a conscience, who knows what is right, and what is wrong.

I don't know why we drift, but I do know, why we don't stay still. We are forever changing and no one, being the same no one as before, no one can't control it. Only you and I can control it and there has to be reasons why we are like we are, and why we were is gone.

I know these reasons I do.

But, yes, I am sincere in my apology, but don't leave me for what I am.

Embrace just the smallest thing and maybe, just maybe someday you will look past the mistakes I have made.

I don't mean to make mistakes, but my hemispheral brain craves them, and so I carry on, being dumb and naive.

I truly am sorry, but even if I am mentally retarded, I am not changing who I am.

Just like I love you for who you are.

You are amazing, you are someone out there.

But hiding inside all of us, you no, is no-one.

DOn't forget that everything hurts, the same as everything else,

But No-one will keep me sane, no-one will amke me feel better.

Just like you did a long time ago one day.

You made me see the better things.

Lucky you are someone out there,

I'm yet to understand, your nature way of life.

I think you are smart, you just need to see things they way Life sees them, the way no-one sees them.

Reach into the inner no -one.

Because nothing makes sense right now.

I miss you. The real one, the no-one one. That's the one I used to know.

'There might have been a time
I would give myself away

Once upon a time
I didn’t give a damn
But now here we are
So what do you want from me
What do you want from me

Just don’t give up
I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me
What do you want from me'

Love

Love is the one thing, when you are hating on me you still manage to spread it to me. You make everything seem ok if only for two seconds.

You, Brother, are amazing.

Blank.

I wonder in this life that I lead i I will be forever insufficient to those around me. If I will always feel like I am not good enough, like I am the dog and they are the masters. Like I am the child to be scorned upon, the girl no one will ever understand. It's not that I want to know the truth. I don't. The truth freaking hurts. It hurts so much. But I just can't help but feel like this life I lead. It is one false lie. And I could be happy with new people, new surroundings. Get rid of everything old. Go away ffrom everyone I know. Everyone who knows me just leave me alone. Just start over. Because I am sick and tired of being that girl, the girl thats never invited, the outcast, the ugly one. I hate to put it as a metaphor, but I feel like an ugly duckling among my friends. I feel so out of place here. So out of place. It is all so incredibly wrong. I have so much indifference to the human race. I am me. I don't belong. I never have, maybe I should have been a rhinoceros or a hippo/ That way if I made a mistake or if no one lied me, there would be excuses for it. For this. For waht I am. For what I do. But there aren't any. You know you wish you knew why I was so screwed up. but not even I know. I don't know why I do it.

I'm so sorry

I don't want to ruin this. But I seem to be ruining it without even trying. I regret all my decisions that I make with you, I make them so stupidly, and it ruins our relationship. You might even read this thinking it's not you. BUT IT IS. You know who you are, you know how much I annoy you, how much you dislike me, how everything about me is irritating. You might not see this consciously, but subconsciously you do.

I try and buy your friendship, your love, your support. My life has no meaning without you guys in it. You define me.

I'm ruining it aren't I.

This isn't the path I would have chosen for myself at the start of this journey of life. Don't drag me down if you don't agree. Just let me be.

I hate it. I hate thinking I'm not good enough for you. The only answer to that is that I'm too good for you, you just don't realise it, or you are lame and can't see betond your nose. Or maybe I really am worthless. You talk to all the really stupid people who are awful and rude and nasty and it HURTS that you do this to yourself. And you just do it. Stop it.

I'm here alone. Again. Just me. Writing this thinking how unfair it is. How really truly unfair it is.

And you don't even notice.

Or even care.

Hurt Me

I don't know why it has to be like this

It feels like I'm trapped.

TRAPPED

in a world I don't want to be trapped in.

I'm just like a glass penguin in a frosty snow globe.

He can't escape either can he.

No one can escape from where I'm in.

There is no escape.

It feels as though all we do is walk around in circles pretending to be someone we're not.

Who am I?

I have no identity, I am just another person thrown into this world to become nothing, a waste of space.

I don't want to be a waste of space, but I'm not WANTED.

People might classify me.

But really.

They know nothing about me.

How much I want to be alone. How much I don't want to be alone.

I AM A PARADOX of a person.

I want it, but yet I don't.

I don't even know what I want.

SOMEONE HELP ME.

ANybody.

Maybe I can get out of here,

if someone sees me for who I really am.

Scared, lonely, and deep down,

I care.

A lot.

'Now I've a dream of you with half a face
and you take me to a rooftop and skin me
come on, evil, are you going to skin me?
and use it as a mask to keep you in the dark
when the shadow of the moon won't do'

The Big Fight

I HAVE TRIED

I SWEAR

I HAVE TRIED SO HARD

Why do you do this to me?

I'm sorry I'm not some magic human who doesn't feel normal stuff,

I'M JUST FEELING WHAT IS NORMAL WHEN YOU DO THAT TO ME

I need somewhere to stay

I need to escape this life,

Every minute it seems like all you want me to do is fail.

THEN FINE. I WILL

I WILL FAIL.

\

I WILL FAIL BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO.

you will never see me again.

You will never hear another word from me.

I will be dead to you, for all you knwo I might as well be dead.

Don't mourn for me.

I don't care about you.

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE.

WHEN I KNOW YOURS.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE

I DON'T LOVE ANYONE.

YOU HAVE MADE ME SO UPSET.

There is no escape, bar one escape, and don't tell me I haven't thought about it.

BECAUSE I HAVE. ALL THE TIME. EVERY DAY.

and now I want it. I want it to hurt you.

I want it because it is what I need.

It is the only hing that will let me be no more to you.

I GET THE POINT.

NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.

LEAVE THE THE FUCK ALONE.

LEAVE ME SO ALONE.

THAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU

SEE YOU

FEEL YOU.

I don't want to.

I wish you were dead.

I wish I was dead.

I wish you were dead too.

I want you to die, I want you to go away.

I want to die.

I'M SORRY I'M WORTHLESS

I'M SORRY I'M A FAILURE

I'M SORRY I'M RUDE

I'M SORRY I'M NOT PERFECT>

I'M FUCKING SORRY

get the point ok.

take it.

twist it.

spit it out.

I'm out of here,

I'm out of this town, out of this place, out of wherever I am now.

And you can't came.

YOU ARE DEAD TO ME.

Have fun.

Every Song I Write

We are music. We don't understand music, yet it seems to understand us.

It seems to take our feelings out of us and lay them down, for it to trample over, for it to weave itself between. For it to build it up and help us.

It is the only thing that can help us.

It is the only thing that can help us to understand.

The intricacy.

I can crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. Every time it rains in February, I think of the times where I sit and listen. I spend hours just listening, listening to the tunes, the harmonies, the melodies.

The lyrics.

Lyrics can save someone, to hear someone feel exactly how you feel, for them to understand what you have been through, for them to tell you.

It's all going to be ok.

So when I die.

DOn't read me out a eulogy. DOn't say a speech, don't cry, don't talk. Listen to music. Listen to music with lyrics, music without lyrics, music that sounds wrong. Music that removes dust from everyday life, music that makes life worth living.

BEcause it does exist.

There is an everlasting pain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PslDJpQApJg&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Stone by stone I build my life.

Brick by brick I tear it down.

It's all a process, it' all in time.

I try my hardest, but even then,

I'm still a cold stone cast out into the world, left for the cold waters of yesterday's river to flow over.

I can't be afraid of life, I'm here for it, I must make the haul.

The sooner I end it, the sooner it will hurt.

No one should ever hurt.

'I heard your name the other day
Reminded me of last May
You're digging towards your own grave
And I'm helpless to save
But I'll write this song for you'