Blank.

I wonder in this life that I lead i I will be forever insufficient to those around me. If I will always feel like I am not good enough, like I am the dog and they are the masters. Like I am the child to be scorned upon, the girl no one will ever understand. It's not that I want to know the truth. I don't. The truth freaking hurts. It hurts so much. But I just can't help but feel like this life I lead. It is one false lie. And I could be happy with new people, new surroundings. Get rid of everything old. Go away ffrom everyone I know. Everyone who knows me just leave me alone. Just start over. Because I am sick and tired of being that girl, the girl thats never invited, the outcast, the ugly one. I hate to put it as a metaphor, but I feel like an ugly duckling among my friends. I feel so out of place here. So out of place. It is all so incredibly wrong. I have so much indifference to the human race. I am me. I don't belong. I never have, maybe I should have been a rhinoceros or a hippo/ That way if I made a mistake or if no one lied me, there would be excuses for it. For this. For waht I am. For what I do. But there aren't any. You know you wish you knew why I was so screwed up. but not even I know. I don't know why I do it.

I'm so sorry

I don't want to ruin this. But I seem to be ruining it without even trying. I regret all my decisions that I make with you, I make them so stupidly, and it ruins our relationship. You might even read this thinking it's not you. BUT IT IS. You know who you are, you know how much I annoy you, how much you dislike me, how everything about me is irritating. You might not see this consciously, but subconsciously you do.

I try and buy your friendship, your love, your support. My life has no meaning without you guys in it. You define me.

I'm ruining it aren't I.

This isn't the path I would have chosen for myself at the start of this journey of life. Don't drag me down if you don't agree. Just let me be.

I hate it. I hate thinking I'm not good enough for you. The only answer to that is that I'm too good for you, you just don't realise it, or you are lame and can't see betond your nose. Or maybe I really am worthless. You talk to all the really stupid people who are awful and rude and nasty and it HURTS that you do this to yourself. And you just do it. Stop it.

I'm here alone. Again. Just me. Writing this thinking how unfair it is. How really truly unfair it is.

And you don't even notice.

Or even care.